Happy Valentine’s Day! This is a post for adults. Take off your shoes and socks. If the bottom of your feet look like you’ve spent the last five years of your life barefoot rock climbing, keep reading.

I dislike infants as much as anyone but that fat baby with wings knew what he was doing when he invented Valentine’s Day. This holiday was designed to celebrate the love between you and the special toddler in your life. If you play your cards right, the 2T you care so much about might give you a hug or not scratch you in the eye today.

Follow the guide below to make this day a smashing success.

How to Do Right By Your Toddler on Valentine’s Day

1. Forget everyone else. Hallmark and gas stations want you believe this day is about adult relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth although the phrase “learning is fun” comes close. You may have strong feelings for another grownup in your home. Push those feelings down down down until you can’t feel them anymore. It’s almost impossible to love more than one person at a time and frankly, trying isn’t worth the risk. If this person keeps peer pressuring you for attention, lean in close and whisper, “I don’t have time,” in their ear.

2. Date Nights. If the other adult in your life can’t take the hint, you may be bamboozled into treating them to an evening out. Don’t panic, just grab some emergency pants because your toddler is coming with! With the right attitude, this can be an enjoyable, luxury experience. Restaurant reservations can be difficult to secure on Valentine’s Day so call McDonalds in advance and confirm that their Play Place has openings and has been cleared of debris/fluids. This is called romance.

3. Gifts. Don’t mind if we do LOL! Good Valentine’s Day gifts include bikes, a castle, maybe a dog… whatever you can get your hands on. Candy is standard which is why I didn’t mention it. If you’re worried about your toddler having too many sweets you need to stop believing everything you read. “You’re so sweet” is actually a compliment in many cultures. Nobody says “You’re so soup” or “You’re so fiber.” I’m not trying to be rude but maybe you don’t know as much as you think. A normal amount of treats for an average toddler includes six or seven cupcakes and enough hard candy/chocolate to fill a backpack.

4. Affection. Everyone knows how adults feel about spending money on things they can’t eat so you’ll be happy to know that affection is free. Hugging a toddler is easy. Just crouch down, wrap your arms around the love of your life and hold on. Now straighten your legs so that your toddler is in the “UP” position. Hold this until bedtime. You can go about your life but do not put your child on the floor. “My arms hurt.” “My back hurts.” “I need to load the dishwasher.” “I would like to sit down.” “I have to use the bathroom.” “I’m late for work.” And here I thought you were ready to be a parent. You had plenty of time to sit down and read magazines before you had a child.

5. Cards. No toddler wants your greeting cards. Sorry. Hopefully you kept your receipt. A card is not a gift. It’s like an hors d’oeuvres or appetizer to a real present. Do you have a real present? No? Just a card that you’re going to read aloud like the shortest book ever written? Absolutely not. Oh but it can sing? So can I who cares.

If after everything I’ve said about Valentine’s Day you still don’t know what to do, you’re just being stubborn and it’s not that cute. Note to Daddies: There’s nothing funny about buying flowers for only one member of the family, especially when it isn’t even the most important member. If your toddler retaliates by eating them you have no one to blame but yourself.