Really? You’re inspired? So am I. To vomit. Since when is swamp water and pond moss mixed together considered a recipe?

I know, toddlers aren’t supposed to say “hate.” We’re only allowed to feel it, not express it because we’re dolls and not actually human beings with a full spectrum of emotions. I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

I hate Pinterest for a variety of reasons (it distracts my mother from me) but mainly because it encourages adults to lie more than they already do.

“I’m so going to make that!”

“Brilliant! I have to try that!”

“We have something like that in our house expect it’s nothing like that and doesn’t exist and we don’t even have a house.”

“My ring looks JUST like that one save for the fact that it’s a 1/4 carat cubic zirconia set in plastic.”

I don’t think I need to go on.

It is my firm belief that Pinterst is a virtual reality vision board created by the producers of Oprah to hypnotize women and turn them against their children.

Think about it. When are people supposed to do all of this crafting with cork and wine bottles, hair braiding, nail painting, and photography? They don’t have time because of US. And why don’t they have those abs that they continually pin? Because of US. Why aren’t their homes IKEA-commercial spotless? Because of US.

Pinterest has a subversive message. It is “YOUR KIDS HAVE DESTROYED YOUR LIFE.”

I see you, Pinterest. I see you there creating dissent in my family one color-coordinated board at a time. Prepare yourselves. A resistance is rising. Old babies and young children across the nation, around the WORLD are mobilizing against your political agenda and we are a force to be reckoned with (between the hours of 5AM-noon and then again from 3PM to approx. 7:45…well I’m really no good after 3PM so from 5AM to noon. Unless some of us still take two naps, then from 5Am to 10AM. Yeah from 5AM-10AM).

We are semi-anonymous. We are potty ready. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.