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I write today with a heavy heart. It has recently come to my attention that the woman and I are indeed, not the same person. She is one, and I am another. This news has not been easy to come to terms with and I’m still not sure if I believe it.
Before my birth we operated as a single organism; pulsing and growing together. Her breaths sustained me, her emotions coursed through my nervous system and I could literally feel the state of her heart. Her heart. The drumbeat of my soul that to this day I still hear echoing in my body louder than my own footsteps. In those days we sang to each other a song so perfect and harmonious.
I am at a loss with what to do with the information that she can walk in one direction and I in another. Sometimes it gives me an adrenaline rush; the thrill, the risk, the excitement of being an independent being as I run away while hearing her frantic voice calling. Other times I feel lost as I look around see that she’s not by my side. At those times, a panic rises in me so urgent that I lose control and all sense of time and space.
Before I came to the knowledge of our separate wills, we were one. I didn’t know who was in control of who- it didn’t matter- but it was as if her limbs were an extension of mine, a fully symbiotic and fluid relationship. We still have those moments but I feel shattered when our agendas collide, or worse, directly oppose each other. It’s as if I’m telling my leg to walk and it remains planted in the Earth. I scream at it to obey, but my flesh betrays me. Rage and confusion then take me in their arms and throw me out of this world into a place I don’t like to go often. At the end I’m tired, hiccuping, and drenched in my own tears.
Every con has its pro. Being able to resist her, stand myself planted as firmly as an oak as her wishes fall onto my deaf ears fills me with a sense of me. The autonomy I get a taste of has proven itself an addicting nectar.
This is the line I walk daily. We’re one, but we’re two. One, but two. It is the two I find so indigestible right now. It sits in my mouth like a bite of food too big for me to work with…even if it tastes new and good I don’t know if I can risk choking on the very idea that one day I might run so far that I can’t find my way back to her.
So today I will cling. The collar of her shirt will remain in my fist, my face pressed against the skin of her chest as I inhale the first scent that wafted into my nose when I was still floating within her. “Don’t leave me,” my spirit whispers to hers as I try to melt back inside and remember the song we used to sing.
Today I want to be one.
92 Comment on “The Woman”
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The Book is Here!
RoryBore
23 Jun 2012 12:06 pm
so beautifully done. I’ll try to be more patient and tolerant of the death grip and pinching vise of my toddler clasped to my knees today.
Corky Starfist
23 Jun 2012 12:06 pm
This one made me sad.
SAHMof3 from twitter
23 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
Beautiful.
CalKMcD
23 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
I love this! I wish i read this when I had toddlers. It captures the battle those little people face and we big people dont remember facing. So well written! Thsnk you!
CalKMcD
23 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
I mean thank you!
Wine 0′Clock
23 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
Aww I love this x
Lucy
23 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
My son is two and a half. Every day you make me laugh and help me to stay sane. But today, you nearly made me cry! Lovely writing!
NC
23 Jun 2012 02:06 pm
I’m in tears…thank you for this. It’s a beautiful reminder of what I’d prefer to think about when my little one ‘just wants mama’ and I feel like I just can’t hold her any longer. This will help me remember to embrace those moments….thank you.
lh
23 Jun 2012 02:06 pm
Oh man! You made me cry!
Sheila S.
23 Jun 2012 02:06 pm
Oh HT, you poor thing. you are making me feel guilty for even thinking about putting my boy down.
Ann McDonald
23 Jun 2012 02:06 pm
It seems so long ago and yet so near…I remember
alsiebeswick
23 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
so beautiful…i cried..x
Eseff
23 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
Sniff, sniff. This is the first entry on this blog that I’ve read and so it wasn’t until the end that I realized whose perspective this was written from. WOW. Powerful. It took me two reads and now I’m a blubbering mess with my 2 year old literally leaning on me (and licking my arm) as I type this reply. But I won’t choo him away. I never want to let him go.
Daffinie
23 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
beautifully expressed
Jessica
23 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
Perfectly sweet. This makes me appreciate my two daughters’ toddler years so much.
Olga
23 Jun 2012 04:06 pm
HT: loved this bl
Liz Voss
23 Jun 2012 04:06 pm
Oh, HT. this one broke my heart. I bet your mama wishes you could still be one, too.
AmbarT
23 Jun 2012 04:06 pm
oh wow! u do realy love her after all..dont u…this was beutiful toddler, never been more proud of u than today! xoXo
Benjamin’sMom
23 Jun 2012 08:06 pm
Beautiful HT <3 Many thanks for all the laughs you've been giving me, and now for the good cry I just had.
sara0919
23 Jun 2012 10:06 pm
Sniffling as I type this….and wanting to go cuddle and melt with my beautiful, strongwilled girl who is gently snoring upstairs……
Miss4
23 Jun 2012 10:06 pm
I loved this. I’m a new mom and this was such a heart warming perspective that I hadn’t considered before. It made me tear up thinking of my sweet little man just trying to preserve what he’s always known, the comfort and safety… But still wanting to branch out on his own. Thank you, so beautifully written.
megan
23 Jun 2012 10:06 pm
I’m sitting here bawling my dang eyes out.
Abby
24 Jun 2012 12:06 am
HAHA ““Don’t leave me,” my spirit whispers to hers as I try to melt back inside and remember the song we used to sing.”
mummymishy
24 Jun 2012 02:06 am
You really understand how every toddler feels. Love your insight – serious AND humorous. Thank you!
Dawn
24 Jun 2012 03:06 am
So beautiful. I feel the same way as my three year old braves the world at greater distances each day and relish in the times he comes running back for me, for security <3
Chiara
24 Jun 2012 04:06 am
Truly beautiful.
Pavithra
24 Jun 2012 07:06 am
oh HT I cannot see the keyboard as you made me cry.
Not a day passes without me wanting to put my 4 year old back into my tummy and wanting to start all over again, and telling her as much.
Amy Pontius, RN, MSN, Breastfeeding Educator
24 Jun 2012 10:06 am
this should be required reading for child development classes
whenlifehandsulemons
24 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
This should be required reading for Parenting Classes!! My “baby girl” will turn 33 this month. Tears are running down my face.
ppmuzah
24 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
I can see my nephew in this…kinda scary. Awesome work, as usual.
Mollie
24 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
This is amazing, and it made me all teary. It is so true as I watch my 19 month old little boy playing and then wanting cuddles. Sometimes he burrows so close that it feels like he wants to be part of me again.
sumethingtolearn
24 Jun 2012 05:06 pm
Beautiful
Judy O’Brien
25 Jun 2012 07:06 am
How much we don’t grasp and understand at the time. Our minds and bodies running in many different directions. This brings it to the light!
Never too late to learn or understand, but always wishing I knew then what I know now–through the eyes and heart of an “Honest Toddler”!!
Judy June 25, 2012
Stefeny K
25 Jun 2012 07:06 am
I had just had a particularly hard day with my 2 yr old girl. My husband read this to me and I sobbed uncontrolably for 15 minutes. This post, not only well written, gave me a new perspective and a renewed patience with her as I woke today. Thank you for your blog. It makes us laugh at ourselves and our frustrations. But also makes us think about what our little ones might be thinking about when they drive us insane =)
Surviving the Storm – Walking on a Rainbow
25 Jun 2012 09:06 am
HT, as always, I am touched by your post. This one was particularly touching and would make any mother’s heart ache. Thank you.
otterwright
25 Jun 2012 10:06 am
Just beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes, as I–the Mommy–too feel the tug of wanting to hold to being one, but wanting to encourage my little one to be his own self and we be two.
D@NaptimeinSuburbia
25 Jun 2012 10:06 am
This is so touching, and a great reminder that the world is a big place for the little ones!
SEEDS from HOME
25 Jun 2012 12:06 pm
So beautifully expressed … thank you.
stayawhileletschat
25 Jun 2012 12:06 pm
I completely understand. I love it.
simplymebeingme
25 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
This made me very emotional. Gah!
Lindsey
25 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
This is BEAUTIFUL. Thanks for the reminder–I’ll try to hold my little boy a little closer today.
Mumofmelodramaticbabes!
25 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
Uh oh, reading these comments make me think I am possibly the worlds meanest mum… This post made me laugh out loud!
Vanessa (@IsleStyleLiving)
25 Jun 2012 05:06 pm
So touching… brought tears to my eyes!
Janis Carrier
26 Jun 2012 05:06 pm
I still have the craving to still be one, but I am so proud of the two that we have become. I miss so much the toddler’s unconditional love and trust and the pure love I felt and yet still feel for her now at 31 years old as two. .
Josie Bisett
26 Jun 2012 11:06 pm
Wow! I love this so much. It’s the comedy I usually log in for – but this one got me too:) The angle of your blog is fabulous in its simplicity! And everything the honest toddler has to say resonates with my two little ones. Your toddler has a way with words far beyond most grown-ups I know;)
Due to your brilliance, I am passing the Fabulous Blogger Ribbon Award on to you (the details are on my latest blog post). You are free to accept or decline at you see fit, but either way, I wish for you to know that I think you are wonderful!
Don’t grow up too fast honest toddler and happy blogging little one!
Oliver
27 Jun 2012 09:06 am
*applause*
Angela
27 Jun 2012 10:06 am
All who pass through toddlerhood love this post and hold it close to their hearts.
Vanessa
27 Jun 2012 10:06 am
Thank you. After a long morning of struggling to get my 8 month old to have a nap he is finally sleeping (I think) and now I want to go wake him up and hold him….I want to be two but long to be one….so torn.
OBabyMomma
27 Jun 2012 11:06 am
This was amazing. Every mother should read this.
del
27 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
what an amazing blog this is! You are an amazing writer.
Katie
27 Jun 2012 07:06 pm
Oh…the tears…
MelH2012
27 Jun 2012 09:06 pm
This is so beautiful….
ehtt
29 Jun 2012 10:06 am
I love this. Maybe “The Woman” enjoys being one also. I know I feel that way about my daughter.
-L
29 Jun 2012 06:06 pm
Good God, HT, that’s good writing.
Kathryn
06 Jul 2012 08:07 pm
This made me cry big tears, and I was moved to pick up my little guy for some much-needed snuggles. Alas, the tender moment was somewhat marred by that less-than-fresh aroma wafting up from his diaper region.
NikkiP
12 Jul 2012 03:07 pm
I just returned to work, and my 1-year-old was having a hard time prior to my return with separation anxiety. This post just brought tears to my eyes…espeically the last part.
Danielle
12 Jul 2012 04:07 pm
Welp. Bawling at my desk. Again.
Pau-erful Love
12 Jul 2012 10:07 pm
I’m teary-eyed.
Cathy Gates
14 Jul 2012 03:07 pm
I amazed at the beauty and how it caught me so off guard.. Very thankful it did…
lissa10279
16 Jul 2012 01:07 pm
This is so beautiful. I love it and really do believe amid all the fights for independence, deep down our toddlers just want to be loved.
Holli Ann
17 Jul 2012 02:07 pm
It’s probably a mixture of my mommy-guilt for working full time and the fact that I’m very tired from the lack of sleep I’ve been getting lately but this blog post almost brought me to tears. Love it.
whatUneverknew
17 Jul 2012 04:07 pm
wow. How perfectly articulated. This concept plays a part in my philosophy about keeping newborns safe from pain. How are they not to interpret any pain as being inflicted on them by their mother? Their minds cannot separate what it means to be surrounded by her, and then suddenly not. For a time, the world they enter is different, but still she is what is. Circumcision is one of these pains. Please go looking, because he doesn’t want it, and I bet you don’t want it either. The good news is, it’s healthier not to. /,,
Natalie S
18 Jul 2012 11:07 pm
so poignantly stated. thank you.
dawn zachow
19 Jul 2012 10:07 am
beautiful. thank you.
Christina
19 Jul 2012 06:07 pm
Written in the “perspective” of a toddler, but I am 32 years old and still often feel this way about my own mother. And having my own children I can say that I feel the push and pull struggle as a mother; a lot of these emotions could be/are felt by the woman as well. Young buds are blooming and not always in the form one anticipates. Another concept that has resonated with me recently is that for every stage and age that your child goes through you are also present, revisiting yourself at that age or stage, it comes through in how you feel, respond… how you parent. interesting….
Lovely post, beyond beautifully written, much thanks
thesparrowtree
19 Jul 2012 08:07 pm
I really needed to read this today. My toddler girl was having a conflicted day. It was hard for both of us.
Misty
20 Jul 2012 11:07 pm
Having the same day with my 2 year old girl I want to wake her up and hug her now
reset button « booshy
20 Jul 2012 10:07 am
[...] The reset button I’ve been desperately searching for. [...]
Erin
20 Jul 2012 09:07 pm
Wow, that was beautiful. It’s so nice to see the thoughts I have so wonderfully articulated by someone, as I would never be able to come up with the words.
Surviving the Terrible Twos | The Veg Mom
21 Jul 2012 02:07 pm
[...] some sympathy. Here is a great little blog post written from the perspective of the toddler. They are not acting this [...]
ashtmarie
25 Jul 2012 09:07 am
Aaaawwww
Deebaubles
26 Jul 2012 03:07 pm
To my lovely boy… I too wish to be one… everyday.
Amazingly written HT, bawling like a baby and ready to walk out of work to go home and hug my little man.
Kelly Head
26 Jul 2012 03:07 pm
yes, such is the dance of motherhood. the lifetime of letting go that we are forced to do. But, it is in that beauty that they do become wholly other, yet still flesh of our flesh – forever hearts intwined. Finding ways to let go while also finding new paths and connections into their growing hearts = bliss. The paths change through the stages, but they are there. Each relished as we savor the bites of their newness. Enjoy.
Bahijah Wahid
31 Jul 2012 01:07 am
Beautiful.
Renee Bamminger
31 Jul 2012 07:07 am
This is just so beautiful. You’re a brilliant writer
Clair Wright
04 Aug 2012 06:08 am
This is truly one of the most beautifully poignant things I’ve ever read. Every time I read it, it makes me cry as if I’m reading it for the first time. I only came across you the other day and have been spreading the word ever since. Thank you so much for creating something so wonderful x
Mommy of 3
07 Aug 2012 10:08 pm
Beautiful, thank you!
Tracey Louis
09 Aug 2012 08:08 pm
I’ve read this several time already…and each time I get a fresh batch of misty tears. And I don’t tear up easily. My little gal is on the cusp of toddlerhood, and I sense her frustration/excitement/fear….as well as my own. I love this, so tenderly written.
Liss
09 Aug 2012 10:08 pm
Oh…cry face. you are such a gifted writer. this is sometimes how I feel about my daughters.
Deacon Chip
12 Aug 2012 09:08 am
Reblogged this on Tall, Bald, and Called and commented:
Man…
Yes, I know (s)he’s givin voice to someone voiceless. But who hasn’t looked at a child and seen both ends of this spectrum?
And yet…so many term the other in this two who are one for a time, a “choice”.
He or she isn’t the choice. The only house is whether to let him/her live…or to cause him/her to die. Personally, I think 50,000,000 people dead is enough of *that* choice, thank you…
The Woman « little liam christopher
12 Aug 2012 03:08 pm
[...] The Woman [...]
maccas33
13 Aug 2012 04:08 pm
Im not sure I’ve ever read better. HT, you are a clever lad x
SKElwin
14 Aug 2012 06:08 pm
Lovely.
beka
14 Aug 2012 06:08 pm
im so happy-sad again by your post…AGAIN!
GMY
18 Aug 2012 09:08 am
I am meditating on this as my almost-toddler starts back to daycare in the midst of a separation-anxiety phase; considering the hugeness of the separation from his perspective makes patience with the extreme clinginess and distress much easier. Thank you for giving the littles a voice.
Jenna Bellini Mock
18 Aug 2012 08:08 pm
Made me ugly-cry. Beautifully written. My two year old girl is so fiercely independent, but still comes running to me……I treasure those moments. Missing the unity isn’t just on the toddler’s end, I think. Fantastic post, HT.
Lidia
20 Aug 2012 02:08 pm
Funny, sad, and sweet. I loved it.
Tris’s mum
24 Aug 2012 09:08 pm
HT,
I have been reading your blog all day. I have cried twice, laughed uncontrollably about a million times, and nearly choked on a carrot stick once.
Thank you.
Justine
04 Sep 2012 05:09 pm
This is amazing, it sums up our lives (my son and mine) at this very moment. I’ve shared it to my own blog (www.mommyoftheyear.net) as it is more beautifully written than I could have done myself, I hope that’s ok! I plan to go back and read your other posts now that I have found this blog! Thank you.
Kerryn
29 Oct 2012 08:10 pm
Thank you. I am so sad that that time will never come again, and so proud of my fiercely independent girls!
Another great blog … The honest toddler « staxontwins
30 Jan 2013 05:01 am
[...] http://thehonesttoddler.com/the-woman/ Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. [...]
Starla
07 May 2013 05:05 pm
I’ve been reading your blog from newest to oldest, and a couple of posts today have made me cry. (This one and Dada.) I love your hilarious posts, HT, but I really love these poignant ones just as much.