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It’s 2Am. You’ve only been asleep for an hour as Pinterest, meaningless Facebook exchanges and reruns of The Big Bang Theory have seduced you since I fell asleep. Suddenly you’re jolted awake as you hear it. You hear me.
What’s the worst part? The fact that my dead of night scream has no detectable cause or that there was no upward escalation, no warning, to my fever pitch ostrich wail/battle cry?
Your mind races. Was this a solitary banshee call or is this the beginning of a night long exchange filled with endless blanket readjustments, sock changes, sips of water, inappropriate laughter, and demands for alternate parents?
Will you walk into my room to find a sweaty, snoring angel or- as I’m sure you fear greatly- will you find me standing up in my bed staring you straight in the eye, slight smile on my face, awake like it’s the middle of the afternoon…”All done!”
I can almost see you lying there, frozen with eyes crazy wide. Or are you sitting up right now, your frail grownup heart pounding as you barter with God? Don’t bother trying to recall common parenting techniques. Forget Ferber, the Toddler Council of Swift Justice ended him months ago (check his attic LOL).
You wait. 10 seconds pass. Nothing. 20 seconds. Quiet. 30 seconds. You don’t dare assume you’re in the clear and try to fall back asleep. The only thing worse than being yanked from slumber once is it happening twice in such a short time period. Fries the nerves.
A full minute passes. Then two. You hear nothing. Are your hands trembling?
Maybe it was just a growing pain. Or a nightmare. Or the realization that the park never closes and you’re a liar.
But for now you are free to rest.
Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite. xo HT
34 Comment on “The Pause”
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The Book is Here!
Rebecca H
27 Jun 2012 09:06 am
“my fever pitch ostrich wail/battle cry” lmbo
jolizie
27 Jun 2012 09:06 am
Identify with this so much that I wonder if my daughter wrote it.
chroniclesofdomesticdisaster
27 Jun 2012 09:06 am
Can still feel the nauseous, shaking horror of the 2am wake up call – and it has been a while!
mommyisshopping
27 Jun 2012 09:06 am
Must have been secretly plotting with my little guy last night. But I have infrared night vision (video monitor)
Tanipooh
27 Jun 2012 09:06 am
“demands for alternate parents”. You cut to the very heart of me, HT.
Jana Beck
27 Jun 2012 09:06 am
As I have my oldest son about to enter high school in the fall, I greatly enjoyed this poetic trip down memory lane. Unfortunately, the tv and computer still seduce me until 2am. Beautiful words about a horrific feeling. Well said.
Kel
27 Jun 2012 10:06 am
“Or the realization that the park never closes and you’re a liar.” Thanks, I just busted out laughing at my desk at work. LOL
CoMo
05 Nov 2012 02:11 pm
Me too!!
:D
Angela
27 Jun 2012 10:06 am
Little Miss A loves the dark side of toddlerdom. You do Gothic toddler do well.
Khalilah
27 Jun 2012 10:06 am
“Or the realization that the park never closes and you’re a liar.” #dies…this is haaalarious, you slay me honest toddler:)!
Laura
11 Sep 2012 04:09 am
LMFAO!!!! That line killed me!! Urine..EVERYWHERE!!! I’m dying! I have never laughed so hard in my life!
OBabyMomma
27 Jun 2012 11:06 am
Can totally relate. Glad to know I am not the only one! This was hysterical and yet all so real at the same time.
beingkeri
27 Jun 2012 11:06 am
Oh HT – you capture the fear of that moment in such a hilariously perfect manner.
Kate
27 Jun 2012 11:06 am
Have tears rolling down my face. I have actually bartered with God at 2am …. it didnt work. This is my new favorite blog!!!!
Cait
27 Jun 2012 12:06 pm
I’m flip flopping between giggles and icy shivers of unadulterated fear. Forget whatever training they do now, the CIA and FBI should put agents-in-training in a sealed building with toddlers for a month. Those who survive will be able to withstand any amount of torture. With a smile!
Girl Replanted
27 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
HT I had no idea you had such a sadistic side. Your poor mommy.
Vanessa (@IsleStyleLiving)
27 Jun 2012 02:06 pm
“Forget Ferber” hahaha
Eric Rappe
27 Jun 2012 05:06 pm
this is utterly fantastic. I have four kids and went thru this with each of them. the youngest is 3 and this is a fight i still struggle with. haha. great read!
abramkj
27 Jun 2012 10:06 pm
“The only thing worse than being yanked from slumber once is it happening twice in such a short time period. Fries the nerves.”
So true. That’s why they say parenting is not for the faint of heart.
mummymishy
27 Jun 2012 10:06 pm
Check the attic- haha!
ppmuzah
28 Jun 2012 02:06 am
“Or the realization that the park never closes and you’re a liar.”
Oh my goodness, almost pissed myself with laughter. You’re just too brilliant!!!
adityaganguly
28 Jun 2012 05:06 am
The big bang theory is really seducing, can’t help it?
4myboysny
28 Jun 2012 05:06 pm
The fun part is when you have 2 or more kids and you hear a scream that wakes you and you have no idea not just if it will escalate and need your attention but which room it came from, and then god forbid they wake their brother and you have more than one to deal with at once.
AS
29 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
…Heart pounding as you barter with God? Every damn morning at 5 am!!
Rita Coury
30 Jun 2012 01:06 am
LOVE!
Remember that one time… « just jess.
30 Jun 2012 06:06 pm
[...] she does this one fun thing. She cry/screams. So then I wake up. But she doesn’t. Honest Toddler explained it perfectly. When I read this I thought, “Allie? Did you steal my iPhone and [...]
Julie
03 Jul 2012 03:07 pm
He he, inappropriate laughter which is usually mine… is that bad?
Tina
04 Jul 2012 08:07 pm
I just laughed SO HARD at the “standing up in bed with a smile on my face” part because I know exactly which smile you are talking about!!!
Brandi
10 Jul 2012 11:07 pm
Fries the nerves. I busted out laughing! First time reader and mother of a 3 1/2 year old and 15 month old. It’s great to read through your posts and have a good laugh at the stage of life I’m in!
Jen
11 Jul 2012 12:07 am
So many nights leave us awake for over an hour after the one random “fever pitch ostrich wail/battle cry” waiting for the other shoe to drop. Yes, my nerves are fried. On our nightly 4am meet-up I actually tripped into our rocking chair while carrying him back to his room to finish nursing the other night. I fell over still holding/nursing him and my husband came to check after the noise. Upon seeing the shadow at the door he turned and crawled over saying “Dada.” Got picked up and then decided it was actually Mama he wanted. You’ve got the toddler pinned!
Caitlyn Gates
11 Jul 2012 11:07 pm
HT, thank you for confirming that my mother lied to me this afternoon about the park. I think I shall use your technique tonight, you are truly an inspiration.
- Bad Baby P
dawnthezeta
18 Jul 2012 11:07 pm
Lord!!!!!! This blog is genius. I can’t BREATHE reading it!!!!!
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19 Jul 2012 08:07 pm
[...] George, a tribute to poor, dumb George the UPS guy (may he rest in peace). Meanwhile, The Pause and 7 Stages of Night Grief are funny simply because they’re so disturbingly true. And [...]
Kristin
20 Sep 2012 09:09 pm
Demanding the other parent!!! Lol every night!