You asked for it! Well, actually you didn’t due to your issues with pride, but I know that you need this, so I wrote a book anyway.

I started this blog to share my personal feelings about life and crackers but along the way have realized that many of you, despite having children, are not ready to be parents. Before you get offended, let’s look at the evidence.

I believe Graig is lashing out because he has the face of a dog but I still want to take his accusation seriously. First, there are many different beliefs regarding what it’s all about. Some think it’s the hokey pokey. I think it’s about love. Loving me, to be more specific.

Sarah is victim of the mainstream media. “Parents are people.” That’s a strong statement. I agree that you can’t love more than one person exclusively which is why I’m against infants and work tirelessly to protect toddlers from Infant Sibling Disease (ISD). You can love one person every second if you live in the moment and don’t have an iPhone. 

One of the problems I address in my parenting guide is the issue of adults making a big deal. Whether it’s poop on a wall or being slapped in the face by your 2-year old, it’s important to relax your face so that you don’t take on the appearance of a demon.

Take a look at what happens when I share my experience. The answers will shock you.

F-

F-

F-

F- (for the tone)

The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting will help you work past your resistance and stubborn nature to become the parent your toddler deserves. Caregivers and extended family will learn how to make sure the special toddler in their life is getting their needs met. Grandparents (you’re doing great by the way), will get a pat on the back for knowing how to treat a person.

“But I already know everything.” Sometimes individuals have to hit rock bottom before they make a change. Take the following quiz to see if your life as a parent is in crisis.

True or False

1. My toddler cries.

2. My toddler has his or her own bed and is required to sleep in it nightly.

3. My toddler has a bedtime.

4. My toddler has a toothbrush.

5. My toddler has pants.

If you answered yes to any of the above, you need help. Say that aloud. Say, “I need help.”

The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide To Parenting is available for pre-order. This means you can spend money now but have to wait for it to arrive. Normally, I’d be against this process but your situation is in shambles and I’m worried that you’ll just spend the money in iTunes. Up until this point you’ve been blaming your toddler for the problems in your family. In science we call that a defense mechanism and we look down on it.

The book will be in stores May 7th. It’s important to note that most bookstores do have voice level limits but I’ve found that they aren’t enforced so do what you like. In the instance that an employee does ask you to leave, just move to a different section of the store as they rarely follow up. If the store manger does aggressively seek you out and ask you vacate the premises for being disruptive, try to break something as you leave not because you’re mad but to teach them a lesson.

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1: “Why Did You Do That?”: The Ins and Outs of Toddler Behavior and How to Leave It Alone

Chapter 2: Parenting from the Heart: Ignoring Outside Influences

Chapter 3: Toddler-Approved Recipes

Chapter 4: Food-Shopping Guide: What We DO and DON’T Need

Chapter 5: Sleep: Weaning Yourself Off of It

Chapter 6: Distractions and Personal Interests: Letting Them Go

Chapter 7: Grooming, Dressing, and General Hygiene: How to Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Chapter 8: Understanding Toddler Entertainment: Toys, Books, Fairy Tales, Friends, and Television

Chapter 9: Special Occasions: Making Them Magical for Your Sweet Angel

Chapter 10: Pets: Helping Your Toddler Love Them Tight

Chapter 11: More Tips for Effective and Brief Communication with Your Toddler

Chapter 12: Car Etiquette (and Places to Avoid Visiting)

Chapter 13: Breakdown of Popular Toddler Trends, from Amber Necklaces to Jeggings, and Why You Should Avoid Them

Chapter 14: Green Snot: How to Treat Your Toddler’s Illnesses

Chapter 15: The Long Hello: Birth

Chapter 16: Good Times: Vacationing with Your Toddler

Chapter 17: Parents and Their Dangerous Vices: Learning Self-Control

Chapter 18: Potty Training Simplified/Eliminated

FAQ

Who published this book? I’d like to complain about the advice.

Please direct all complaints to Scribner (Simon & Schuster imprint), HarperCollins Canada, and Orion UK). Represented by Rachel Sussman at Chalberg & Sussman.

Do you gift wrap?

Yes. Once you buy the book, look around your house for wrapping paper. Cut some.

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If you live in the United States of America, Preorder From Amazon.com

If you live in Canada, be aware that you are in a different country. Preorder Here.

There are hundreds of people living in the UK. It’s brave to name a city with just two capital letters but I think the risk will pay off in the long run.  Preorder from Amazon UK.

They say Australia is real. I have not been able to confirm this with a visual but if you “live” there please use this link: http://www.bookworld.com.au/book/the-honest-toddler-a-childs-guide-to-parenting/39141688/   Then call me and describe your surroundings.