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This post is intended for TO (*Toddlers Only). If you have hair anywhere on your body other than your head or have ever eaten a fig, please stand up and walk away. Go do something you love like wiping down counters.
Toddlers, now that we’re alone I have something important to discuss with you. You already know that it is impossible to love more than one person at a time. That’s why when parents hug or show affection it feels like a slap in the face because it is. I have some disturbing news to share. Your parents don’t just hug during the day, they hug at night, too. During the time you need them most, they hug.
Most children know that the night is a terrible time. Night is when dinner is presented, owls hunt, teeth are forcibly washed as if you haven’t been soaking them in nature’s toothpaste (saliva) all day, and you’re expected to lie down for hours. Now you can also add to your list of sadness that the twilight hours are when mommies and daddies all over the world hug until they forget you even exist.
Last night I witnessed these shenanigans for a brief moment and could not believe the lengths they went to to conceal their hugging practice. They even do it under a blanket. I invented under the blanket. They just took my idea and ran with it. I love hugs, too you know. Was I invited or notified? Absolutely not. While I was in my bed having nightmares about swiss chard (it’s real) they were bonding as a family. What I don’t understand is why there were candles but no birthday cake as the two go hand in hand. I know the power wasn’t out because Usher’s Greatest Hits was playing. You got it, you got it bad.
I know this hug was daddy’s brainchild as he seemed particularly agitated when I tried to make a baby sandwich under the covers. I’ve had it with his selfishness and will be breaking three of his personal belongings come morning. Then we can all move on from this and enjoy hugs they way they were mean to be shared: with me.
One of the dangers of hugs is that they are a gateway to a disease called sibling infants. I know this because several of my friends are infected and it is fairly simple to put two and two together. <– I hope you saw what I did there with “two and two together.” This is no laughing matter though. I just want you to notice what I did. Now that you’ve seen it pull yourself together. Enjoy it one more time if you need to but that’s enough.
While I’m not a (recognized) scientist, I know how special time leads to infant sibling disease. Put down your LeapPad because it’s not helping you read you’re just looking at the lights. Pay attention.
WHEN A MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH THEY HUG ALONE IN THE BIG BED WHILE THEIR SWEET BABY LIES SHIVERING IN A LITTLE BED BECAUSE THE BLANKET CAME OFF AGAIN.
THIS YOUNG BEAUTIFUL CHILD IS PROBABLY ALSO HUNGRY BECAUSE DINNER WAS A DISASTER AND THEREFORE INEDIBLE.
This is where it gets more complicated. Go get a snack cup of orange slices in corn syrup and come back refreshed.
AFTER IGNORING THEIR SWEET BABY’S REQUEST FOR WATER BECAUSE THEIR CHILD IS DEHYDRATED FROM CRYING, A CENTAUR FLIES THROUGH THE WINDOW AND GIVES YOUR MOMMY AN ACORN.
SHE EATS THE ACORN FAST LIKE IT’S THE LAST DOVE BAR AND A CHEMICAL REACTION IN HER STOMACH BEGINS TO TURN IT INTO A BABY. EIGHT YEARS LATER, A BABY WILL PUNCH ITS WAY OUT OF HER LEFT LEG.
THAT BABY WILL THEN LIVE WITH YOU FOREVER.
I know this is hard to hear. Special time might be fun for parents but it is dangerous. As the ninja of your family it is your obligation to step in. Use pee pee if you have to because that’s what it was invented for: violence.
Good luck. Failure is not an option unless you want to go from #1 to #2. <– I did it again. Number two like poo poo. Did you see that right away or did I have to point it out. Either way you’re enjoying it now. Start the sentence again with poo poo in your mind. You’re going to feel like caca once there is a sibling infant in your house because it will need so much assistance with everything. Infants come into the world bringing nothing to the table and are takers. You’ll be basically raising yourself.
52 Comment on “Special Time”
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The Book is Here!
Sabrina Clemens
08 Sep 2012 08:09 am
omg way too funny….
Mona
08 Sep 2012 08:09 am
My toddler will have infant disease in October he isn’t ready yet he throws her stuff in the trash
Lori Tucker
08 Sep 2012 09:09 am
My favorite post …. Can’t wait to see them everyday…. forever
)
Annalisa
08 Sep 2012 09:09 am
Here’s what my toddler would say:
“I agree, HT. Truth be told, though, sometimes just making a #2 is not enough. Your parents may be so wrapped up in hugging that they ignore your cries. This is where you have to get creative: you may want to figure out how to take off your pj pants and diaper, and use poo poo to create protest signs on your bed or crib. Then, once poop is all over your hands and knees and the fitted sheet, start screaming as if someone just tried to murder you. Sure, it will lead to an emergency bath (I don’t mind, I like baths, but YMMV), and you will have to wait for mommy to clean your crib while daddy rinses you clean, but after that, they’ll be too exhausted to go back to hugging, and will just go to sleep… If they even can, after the grisly sight that greeted them on opening the door to your room. Either way, you can then sleep contently, knowing that for a while your parents won’t even want to hug because they worry the sibling disease will lead to another kid who’s as creative as you are with poo.”
I call her the poo terrorist, btw.
Shasta
19 Sep 2012 11:09 am
LMAO!!!!!!!! This is the best!! This post, this comment!! I love it!!!
Renee Bamminger
20 Sep 2012 08:09 am
This had me in stitches. Thank you!
LeeAnna
21 Sep 2012 07:09 pm
OMG. i laughed so hard that my almost toddler had to come investigate.
Sara
31 Jan 2013 04:01 pm
This is hilarious!!
Cvo
08 Sep 2012 09:09 am
Don’t you have a sibling already? You once mentioned that you are sadly not the oldest child. So that means that at one point in time you were the sibling disease inflicted upon him or her.
Annalisa
08 Sep 2012 09:09 am
If so, his sibling is raising him/herself. That doesn’t count.
The idea is that a needier younger sibling takes attention away from the toddler.
Shan
21 Sep 2012 10:09 pm
Daddy is the ‘oldest child’. Dur.
Kara H.
08 Sep 2012 09:09 am
It’s okay, HT. It’s a little-known fact that one of the side-effects of infant sibling disease is super-powers. Whenever one of my toddlers contracted infant sibling disease They totally leveled up into Big D*** Heroes. It’s one of the only times the side effect of a disease is “may increase awesomeness”.
whencrazymeetsexhaustion
08 Sep 2012 09:09 am
HT, you have a gift. You are the only one who can make me laugh at the same stuff that makes me want to take the bridge on an average day. We need to book you on Good Morning America, Ellen, and I hear Ricki Lake is back–you could be the first guest on her TV return debut!!! (P.S. if the sibling disease does spread and you’re faced with “raising yourself,” just know that the grandparents will always favor you because you’re #1 <—I did it, too!!!
karen budnick
08 Sep 2012 10:09 am
HT – I don’t know how you let any of this happen. Aren’t you supposed to still be sleeping in the “family bed”? You should know better than to leave those two alone together – ever!!!
Frustrated Daddy
08 Sep 2012 11:09 am
Dear HT,
I read your post even though I have hair other than on my head. And you seem no to understand that daddy has … Needs. You know how you feel when you need some goldfish or cheese? Yeah, like that. It may be surprising to you that other people than you have needs, but they do. I swear on the Netflix they do. So here’s the deal: suck it up for a few hours sometimes and sleep in your own >#%+ing bed.
Beatrice
08 Sep 2012 02:09 pm
well as long as daddy’s needs are fulfilled… GROW UP
Susie
12 Sep 2012 11:09 am
P.S.- Mommy agrees with Daddy on this one. Big people need goldfish too, this I swear by Sesame Street and all things holy.
Sydney
08 Sep 2012 05:09 pm
Oh this is just too good!
Stephen Saintonge
08 Sep 2012 08:09 pm
HT, it’s worse than you thought. The new infant can come in only nine months, sometimes less! (Though as a toddler, you may be a bit vague on the difference between months and years, because months can easily seem like years).
Yes, no hugging unless the todler is between the mommy and daddy!
Melissa
08 Sep 2012 08:09 pm
You are a genius. Please write a book.
Penny Price
20 Sep 2012 05:09 pm
Seconded!
nojoketruestory
09 Sep 2012 11:09 am
If parents start irresponsible hugging, they must be punished. First, pee pee on Cat. Cat gets mad and breaks things. Then parents have to wash pee pee off Cat. Punishment: served.
nojoketruestory
09 Sep 2012 11:09 am
Oh yes. Don’t forget to make nice with Cat for being a team player. Give treat of chocolate or gum.
mamamzungu
09 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
Hi HT: Tell your mom this. I just found a “condom wrapper” on my parents’ bedside table this morning after they were hugging all night and asked I asked my papa what kind of candy he ate. For some reason this made him laugh uncontrollably. Ask your mom about that…
zeropassiv
10 Sep 2012 09:09 am
HT,
Thanks for the informative post and the “call to arms” against unannouced hugging and infant sibling disease, it’s a widespread problem and we must eradicate it.
Just want to share with you something that happened this morning. Dad removed the doors between the kitchen and the dinning room, the doors that provide hours of entertainment for me… any advice on how to get them back?
Thanks in advance and cakes to you.
Melody Biass Fisher
10 Sep 2012 11:09 am
HT, I’m concerned. I’ve heard vague mentions of “the baby” and discussions of changes to my living space. However, no official announcement of sibling infants has been made to me. Is it too late, or is there any hope for me? Help me, HT!
Chris
10 Sep 2012 12:09 pm
HT, I hope you never grow up.
That one weird dad
10 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
My own toddler somehow printed and presented this post to me with a disgusted look on her face that said, “I know what you have been up to, and it repulses me.” My first thought was, “Gee. I wonder how she got around the internet blocks I set up on our browser.” I can’t have her reading your propaganda, after all. My second thought was, “I guess it’s time to increase the Children’s NyQuil dosage.”
Jess Nye
19 Sep 2012 11:09 am
lol
Selmada
10 Sep 2012 05:09 pm
Dear toddler. We are so much luckier than you. We have no daddy so Mommy only has time and hugs for us. Of course, we’re twins so there are already two of us but we manage by wedging in on either side of Mommy during the night, making sure there is no room for anyone else, nor for her to move without waking at least one of us up.
Even with no Daddy (or even a second Mommy) she still sometimes talks about an infant sibling. When this happens, we make sure pay her extra attention, reminding her how much we need her by making more messes, breaking her things or even fighting with each other.
Best of luck.
HoldOnPumpkin
14 Sep 2012 02:09 pm
Awesome!
Ministry Addict
11 Sep 2012 03:09 pm
You made my wife laugh so hard she cried and had a convulsion. Thank you.
Kristen Mae
19 Sep 2012 09:09 pm
I also had a convulsion from laughing so hard! I’ll be up all night reading this blog!
Lg
11 Sep 2012 09:09 pm
Was this supposed to be funny?
Beatrice
12 Sep 2012 03:09 am
Only for people with a sense of humour
Jessi
19 Sep 2012 10:09 am
Beatrice, you are awesome
Kristen Mae
19 Sep 2012 09:09 pm
Yes, Beatrice. Yes, you are.
Jennifer
13 Sep 2012 07:09 am
Crap! I think my daughter read this and that is why she was up DEMANDING that I go to her room and cuddle her for like a whole minute before she would zonk right back out and sleep for another 30 minutes. Nope, I don’t need sleep … I can go all day without sleep. *sigh* And the more I think, the more I’m feeling that this is actually the case, when my husband works night tours … she sleeps 9 – 9 …. son of a gun! I knew she was smart, but sneaking online and reading blogs on her own under 2 … that’s just genius!
(I do have to say that I too, hope you never grow up! I love reading your posts!)
abramkj
13 Sep 2012 11:09 pm
Just so long as your sibling keeps a blog/FB/Twitter (are you on Instagram, too?), all will be well.
friday faves {Sept 14} | the dramatic
14 Sep 2012 07:09 pm
[...] The scary truth about parents hugging: Honest Toddler lays it on the line. [...]
Joann Woolley
16 Sep 2012 06:09 am
Dear HT,
The night time hugs you have to worry about the most are the quick ones that you miss. And apparently this night time hugging can even occur during the day… I don’t know why these parents would want to go take a nap when I’m watching Barney, that dino rocks my world!
rainbowpaths
17 Sep 2012 03:09 am
I nominated you for the addictive blog award
http://rainbowpaths.wordpress.com/2012/09/14/i-got-my-first-blog-award/
Melanie Kinberger Moore
19 Sep 2012 02:09 pm
Everyone in my office staring at me because I am wheezing from laughing so hard. Brilliant!
Candy
19 Sep 2012 04:09 pm
Definite hug stoppers:
Chew on the Usher cd. Put the candle in the potty. Reach under the blanket and hold Mommy’s hand. Talk to her in your whisper voice while you hold her hand. I promise that clandestine hug fest will be over STAT.
Shan
21 Sep 2012 10:09 pm
“Special Time”
This doesn’t read as genuine HT . ‘Counterfeit toddler’ how dare you disseminate this bogus blog. Who are you and what have you done w/ our Honest Toddler?
PaddyCake Party
26 Sep 2012 11:09 am
“Use pee pee if you have to because that’s what it was invented for: violence.” This line has permanently scarred me… and I will never recover, also I need to stop reading at work, because I laugh so hard I cry and people are starting to think I am unstable.
Zaynie
28 Sep 2012 09:09 am
I’m DYING with laughter at work. I think I need to reserve reading your blog at home…if my toddler will let me. She always seems to need my laptop for something extremely important as soon as I pick it up.
Surprise, It’s a…? « This Girl's Canon
01 Oct 2012 05:10 pm
[...] 1. Read this to find out how babies are made. [...]
Kate
09 Oct 2012 07:10 pm
I am laughing and crying so much right now, one of THE funniest things I have ever read.
Mamalampa
14 Oct 2012 12:10 pm
Allow me to say, as a survivor of the Sibling Wars, that this has me all warm and tingly just reading the comments…all of you the perpetrators of the “call to arms,” “violence,” and “punishment” in your time, as toddlers…and I the victim. What goes around, comes around and it does my heart good to see you all responding in much the same way…traitors to your primary cause…
Jolene
19 Oct 2012 05:10 pm
Dear HT,
Why don’t you sleep between the Daddy and Momma people? That’s what I do! Then, when they try to be sneaky and boot you out of the bed, wake up screaming. Not just crying, no! Screaming like the cat when you color on her… Or, you could mimic the sounds they’re making to announce your presence. It stops the hug fest, pronto!
Lots of luck!
10-month-old Lachlan
Tabb
22 Jan 2013 08:01 pm
Funny