You comfortable there, little guy? Feel insulated against a big bad world of germs in your traveling snuggie? Why didn’t your mom just go all out and put you in a polymer sphere so that when my cart rolls past yours I can’t hit you with a blast of the dark yellow (read: INFECTED) snot that’s been dripping down my face.

I’m laughing at you, friend. Not because of the polka dot print, bare feet or even your bewildered expression but because you’ll never know the joy of putting your gums right up against the shopping cart handle.

What’s truly ironic is that your mom probably has more stranger feces, trace cocaine residue, and yeast strains on her hand after pumping gas than you’ve got on that cart.

See you at the park. I’ll blur flying past as you mach 5 speed.

**I borrowed the image of this paranoia pillow from: http://tickatoo.com/item_414/Generation-Baby-Shopping-Cart-Cover.htm