Dear Santa,

First, I’m a big fan of your work and have seen all your films.

Question. Did you get a phone call from my mom yesterday? Hahaha LOL she’s funny right? She’s also tends to exaggerate and enjoys wine nightly. Every night she drinks. I don’t know how much but it’s not out of a regular portioned glass. More like a novelty mug.

Father Christmas….can I call you that? I just want to explain a few things. I’m a growing toddler and sometimes I get curious about cause and effect. Consequences. Like if you leave crayons outside on a hot day, they melt. Or if you put juice in the freezer, it will get cold and hard. Or if you slap a friend on the back of the head with a plastic shovel as a reminder not to touch your toys, this “friend” might run crying like a little baby to his mom who will tell your mom and you’ll have to leave the park even though you were having a great time and your castle isn’t finished and then your mom will tell your dad and they’ll call Santa and not explain the whole story.

Those are just three examples.

I think what’s important to remember is that I’m just a child.

You’ve probably been working on my gifts all year. If they (plural gifts) already have my name of them it would be weird to give them to another child and wrong to let them go to waste.

I’m not going to lie, Santa. I think it’s strange that a grown man watches children who aren’t his all the time even when they’re sleeping but I hope you saw what happened yesterday from multiple perspectives.

Did I mention my blood sugar was low?

Also, I was due for a nap.

Santa, Cole, who is now my enemy, is a bad seed. I don’t know if this is the appropriate place to voice gift recommendations but I think he should receive nothing this year for ruining my day and putting a rift between my parents and myself.

Did you know that I love trucks? I do! I also like soft toys to cuddle with at night. Tigers. If we’re talking stockings I LOVE gummy bears.

Santy, what I’m trying to say here is that sometimes, just like in Law & Order, the most obvious bad guy, isn’t the real perp. Oftentimes, it’s the person who was wearing stupid Thomas the Train Mr. Conductor overalls that should be mine who is the real problem (his name starts with “C”- see above).

I really love you, Santa. Thank you for all of the gifts you’ve given me thus far. Even though they’re all broken, lost, or of no interest to me now, I’m excited to see what lies in store this December.

This year when I leave you cookies, I won’t eat all of them before you arrive. I’m very sorry about that. Dinner was terrible that night and I was hungry. Plus you’re really fat so…..

Thank you for reading.

PS. A baby brother or sister as a gift would be returned (damaged) immediately. Very inappropriate.

xoxo HT