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Dear squirming blob of flesh, hahaha just kidding!
Dear newborn,
Welcome to Earth!
Look at you there. So helpless. Can’t do anything but breathe. Adorable. You came here with a mother, right? Great SO LEAVE MINE ALONE.
Sorry, did I scare you?
GOOD BECAUSE IF I SEE YOU IN MY MOMMAS ARMS AGAIN I’M GOING TO RIP THOSE LITTLE SOCK SHOES OFF AND THROW THEM IN THE OUTSIDE TRASH.
How is everything going so far? You like life? Enjoying milk? I’m happy for you. STAY WITH YOUR OWN MOM OR I WILL TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL.
Your blanket looks cozy. Is it cozy? I noticed you can’t talk or run. Or tattle. Don’t worry, you’ll learn maybe.
Oooh! Just had a quick little question WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE GET OUT OR ELSE. LOL that’s not really a question is it! It’s the first half of a threat/promise hahaha!
Please don’t be confused- my feigned curiosity about you, the way I stared into your eyes and touched your hand while smiling (the adults loved that) was just my way of ASSESSING YOUR WEAKNESSES. ROLL. AWAY. NOW.
Oh yeah just wanted to let you know that the lady who held you, the one whose shoulder you rested your head on because your neck muscles are so weak SHEEE IISSSS MIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNEE!!!!
Maybe your tiny baby brain was confused. But that’s my mom. No worries, LOL! You came with a mother of your own. Just stay next to her and we won’t have any problems, OK? I like your shirt! It smells like the inside of an unwashed sippy cup on a hot day, but green is definitely your color.
I have a joke. Do you like jokes? What’s the difference between you and a bag of oatmeal. BAG OF OATMEAL HAS MY RESPECT.
Your diaper was ridiculous. What are you eating? Yellow crayons? Daffodils? Curry paste? There’s something wrong with you. Don’t leave that here.
Allow me to honest for a minute? I’m mad. I’m the baby in this house. Please pack up your little play mat, binky (leave the binky), and skedaddle. If you leave now you won’t hit any traffic on your way back to Old Milk Breath Village. We have a lot of love in my family and don’t really have room for a Kobe, OK?
I noticed my mama gave you a bag of my old clothes. Leave it by the door on your way out. She had no right.
Thanks for popping by! Your name is stupid.
love, HT
28 Comment on “Newborn”
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The Book is Here!
Kimberly Barnes (@Mommy4Syd)
19 Jun 2012 07:06 am
HAHAHAHAHA! I just LOVE THIS! Hysterical. LOL Keep it up HT.
nancyholtzman
19 Jun 2012 07:06 am
Think about all the mischief you can get into in the other room while the grown ups are cooing over the little ET-like creature. Either that, or, if they do remember you, chances are they’ll park you in front of the TV to keep you busy. Either way, spin it so you win it, right?
nancyholtzman
19 Jun 2012 07:06 am
PS – baby will probably like it if you try to feed it various things when no one is looking. Or, you could decorate it with a sharpie. You know how the adults ooh and ahh over your precocious artwork.
Expat Mammy
19 Jun 2012 08:06 am
Hehehe I bet this is what is going through all of their heads
Mommy of one HT and one HN (honest newborn)
19 Jun 2012 10:06 am
HT,
Yes. I feel the exact same way about this little “sister” thing my mom and dad brought home too except it won’t leave. I keep telling her to put it back in her tummy but she won’t listen. Please advise asap.
Your ardent admirer and biggest fan,
another HT
simplymebeingme
19 Jun 2012 10:06 am
Bahaha.. I am laughing my face off right now! “Assessing your weakness.” “Bag of oatmeal has my respect” I. Can’t. Stop. Laughing! This is what makes me wonder if having one is the perfect amount. Y’know, so the older one doesn’t go all “The Perfect Son” and off the younger one, lol.
Sheila S.
19 Jun 2012 11:06 am
Thanks for popping by, your name is stupid.
I can’t get enough of this, I look forward to your new posts and laugh so hard I cry everytime I read one! How old is HT??
Literary Tiger
19 Jun 2012 11:06 am
I’m glad I’m not the new baby. HT would scare me.
honesttoddler
19 Jun 2012 01:06 pm
Ashley Austrew
19 Jun 2012 12:06 pm
HAHAHAHA! This was HILARIOUS. My husband and I are just starting to think about trying for a second baby sometime next year, and I could totally see our daughter reacting this way.
Kaitlyn
19 Jun 2012 12:06 pm
“Leave the binky.” My HT would have that binky swiped and stashed during the first curry paste diaper change. That’s the price of doing business, baby.
SaDoUt
19 Jun 2012 02:06 pm
Getting ready for an HN… with my only other child being 14 years old. I wonder how that one will pan out.
brenna
19 Jun 2012 04:06 pm
i was very close to ruining my computer due to the diet coke I spit all over it laughing at this post. this has entirely made my day.
Lori
19 Jun 2012 04:06 pm
Oh, I LOVE the passive/aggresive tone! Thank you once again, HN, for brightening my day! And a trick if the adults don’t happen to abide to your wishes and kick said Squirming Blob Of Flesh out: just start acting like it acts, start DEMANDING your binkie more, stop using your sippy cup and demand that your daily supply of liquids comes in a bottle too, when they pick it up out of its baby carrier, jump on in (Hey at least Flesh Blob warmed it up for you), and WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN ANY POTTY TRAINING THE ADULTS MIGHT SPRING ON YOU!!!!!
helen
19 Jun 2012 08:06 pm
Hmmm – I think those were pretty much my daughter’s thoughts on first meeting her baby brother. Four years on and nothing much has changed.
Pavithra
20 Jun 2012 08:06 am
Brilliant as usual
Sylvia Gravrock
20 Jun 2012 11:06 am
Oh, this is so much my sons from 30 years ago! Some things never change. Thanks for the laugh!
Raven
20 Jun 2012 02:06 pm
LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that’s all.
permanenterasmus
20 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
So it is true! Dude I’m a new parent and you’re my new idol!
mummymishy
21 Jun 2012 11:06 am
Best blog ever in the whole wide world and a fire truck and six. Ever.
Just looking ahead a few years… | A Lovely Mile
24 Jun 2012 08:06 pm
[...] This. is. awesome. [...]
OBabyMomma
27 Jun 2012 11:06 am
I am laughing so hard right now, that I have tears coming down my face. And I really needed a good laugh. Thank you HT!!
Jaymie Shook
28 Jun 2012 09:06 am
God forbid Momma decides to have a second child!
vitaplastica
29 Jun 2012 10:06 am
This is just possibly the best blog that has ever been written! Love, Mother of a 3 year old and and 18 month old. Pity me.
Julie
16 Jul 2012 02:07 pm
“you’re name is stupid.”
hahahahaha! LOVE THIS!
beka
14 Aug 2012 06:08 pm
bwwwaahahahahahhahahahahaha….toddlers are jerks! i love it..thats totally my daughter!
mommyilou
17 Aug 2012 12:08 pm
Oh I love this!!! I just had my second boy 4 months ago so this is just perfect timing for me to read right now. LOL
mommy2sophie
17 Sep 2012 04:09 pm
OMG!!! HT, babies are cute, do you have any siblings??? We are trying to have another child, I don’t know how am I going to tell my little Sophie? She told me she doesn’t want any babies around. I’m afraid she will get upset with the idea of a new baby. What do you think???