Toddlers, do you know what Instagram is?
When a daddy and mommy love each other very very much, or just happen to get careless over a bottle of Southern Comfort, babies are made. The mommy then spends hours upon hours using an application called Instagram to show the world, “Hey, we’re here. And we’re magical.”
If you’ve ever found yourself wearing nothing but your not-working amber teething necklace perched on a kitchen table surrounded by root vegetables, you’ve been Instagramed.
If you’ve ever been wearing a cloth diaper in a field of corn at dawn, you’ve been Instagramed.
If you’ve ever donned sunglasses hilariously/adorably too big for your face in front of the Eiffel Tower eating a hibiscus macaron while simultaneously giving the camera a “Sorry poor people, maybe next year!” wave, you’ve definitely been Instagramed.
Instragram helps people achieve the two things that matter most in life:
1) Gift wrapping precious moments and presenting them in a way that makes the individual feel equal and/or superior to their peers
2) Excluding Android users. ** Sad update: Instagram is now available on lesser smartphones. Collective sigh.
Unlike most sneaky camera phone photo ops, you’ll definitely know when an Instagram moment is approaching. Careful staging is always the first step. Household clutter will be pushed just out of the frame. A source of natural light will be scouted. Outfits will be carefully chosen.
If you’re a toddler victim of homemade clothing due to Pinterest, the costume will be forced over your big head shortly before the scheduled photo shoot. Use the feelings of humiliation you feel to create the appropriate Instragram photo face: solemn but smug, satisfied but frozen in time. Think: The Great Depression meets gluten-free living meets quaint cottage in the woods as interpreted by J. D. Salinger. There! That’s the look.
At one point or another, your mother may decide that they want to live inside of Instagram. With Anthropologie being out of everyone’s price range, expect trips to Goodwill to find vintage checkered tablecloths, tea-stained lace, distressed flatware, and small wooden or tin boxes.
Prevention is key. Toddler, the best thing you can do is just hold still and try to avoid eating whole, raw vegetables (the #1 coveted shot) or strawberries on a porch.