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I’ve heard the same story over and over. Kid is having the best day ever wearing new clothes and new shoes visiting what they think is some kind of fancy orphanage when BAM they look up and daddy is waving goodbye while mama cries in the hallway.
PRESCHOOL. It’s real.
Preschool is what happens when you’ve taken it too far on a regular basis. It’s a holding cell for toddlers. Expect hours of forced sleeping, lunch meat, and craft labor. Most preschools also do circle time which is where you recite spells for days on end.
There is hope if you find yourself incarcerated. Two words: get yourself kicked out. I know what you’re thinking but it’s not enough to call the teacher “mommy.” You have to go big. Use the handy guide below. Good luck. Don’t drink the juice unless you like poison.
How to Get Kicked Out of Preschool in Seven Easy Steps
1. Whether in jail or the workplace, all adults know that on day one it’s important to cause bodily harm to a friend. Same is true for preschool if you want to be asked to leave. Look for a small, weak child who appears to have skipped breakfast. Don’t overdo it or the real police may get involved. When asked “why” just say, “they told me to” and point to the air.
2. Find a teacher with a gentle spirit. Go up to her with a sweet look on your face and tell her you have a secret. When she bends down, make your eyes go dead and say, “They’re coming for you.” She’ll look sick and say, “Who?” Just smile and repeat. This teacher will avoid you for the rest of the day.
3. Find the teacher you spoke with earlier. Make eye contact again and whisper, “Are you scared? You should be.” She will look visibly upset. You’re doing great.
4. At some point, they will give you crayons and paper. Do your best to draw a stick figure in a lake of fire. Take the picture to your special teacher. Narrate the scene emphasizing that she is the one eternally floating in lava. You parents will be called soon.
5. Pee in your pants. While someone is helping you change, sing The Rose in a haunting, soulful voice. You can find the lyrics here.
6. During naptime, wait until the room is silent. Jump up suddenly and yell, “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” in a celebration voice. Mom and dad will be there shortly.
7. You’re almost done but it’s important that you are not asked to just go home for today. You need to be deleted from their file system and have your social security number permanently blocked from enrollment. While your teacher is rushing to gather your belongings and put your shoes on, touch her hair and say, “This will soon all be mine.”
Your mother and father are in the parking lot and will be taking you home. Don’t worry about your teachers sharing your actions. They will mostly likely just say that you aren’t quite ready for preschool and that perhaps next year is a better time to start at a different location. You did well. Enjoy playing with your own toys.
PS. If for some reason you are subject to a surprise exorcism sorry.
67 Comment on “How To Get Kicked Out of Preschool”
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The Book is Here!
temperjen
09 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
OMG, I almost choked on my Coke. “This will soon all be mine”. LOVE IT, HT! You are the voice of your generation, little friend!
Nathan
24 Dec 2012 12:12 pm
Ha…you almost chocked on your coke. Nice.
Kitty
30 Jan 2013 10:01 pm
I can’t believe this! I almost died trying not to laugh!
Jess
09 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
jayajade
09 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
Laughing like a crazy person “this will soon all be mine”
Love it
A DEFINITE way to get kicked out
Gwynne
09 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
Wow. I thought you were just going to go with: Cry. Hard. All day long. Then your teachers and parents will think you aren’t developmentally ready for pre-school and take you home for at least another year. I can see how this would be much more effective–and fun for you, too.
Meg
30 Dec 2012 01:12 am
Hard on the lungs, though.
Della Dreher (@Adelas)
18 Jan 2013 01:01 am
That one worked for my 6-month-old daughter. She cried all through nap time, preventing the teachers from having their lunch breaks and, since they wouldn’t take her into another room, preventing all the other children from falling asleep. It was really tough since they had her two whole days a week. I tell ya, when I found out what they’d gone through, my first thought was definitely “maybe this one ain’t a keeper after all.” Glad they didn’t bother to take her in the other room where it was dark and quiet like she’s used to at home – what a tyrant she was trying to be!
/sarcasm
Della Dreher (@Adelas)
18 Jan 2013 01:01 am
Clarifying: this was for a daycare+preschool combo.
Rachel
09 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
If you have an older sibling who constantly watches The Sound of Music you can trying tossing out the ‘Heil Hitler’ phrase like our 4 year old did. That’ll get a quick and quite negative response.
Temi
09 Nov 2012 02:11 pm
Oh my gosh. This is definitely a sure way to get kicked out.
Belinda
09 Nov 2012 03:11 pm
LOLOL I can see that happening. Did they believe you about the Sound of Music, or spend the rest of the year glancing away when you walked in like they know you’re reading Mein Kampf as a bedtime story?
B’s Mommy
10 Nov 2012 02:11 am
That is truly awesome. LMAO.
Cindy
27 Dec 2012 11:12 pm
Oh. My. Goodness. My eyes are watering. So funny/traumatizing
lindsey
09 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
I love you HT.
AmbarT
09 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
Wow i always think u cant impress me any more and yet again here we are…u deserve like an toddler oscar or someth..Gzzz eheheheheheheheheh
jaclyn @ www.lilmsadventures.blogspot.com
09 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
HAHAHAHA too funny!! Sorry lil guy, but the only reason you’re going to pre-school so mommy and daddy can work and make money to buy you things!!!
Michelle Hrin
10 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
Fruit snacks, cake, gogurt
Erin
09 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
Two words: get yourself kicked out.
That’s fantastic!!
Laura
09 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
Best to date.
whencrazymeetsexhaustion
09 Nov 2012 01:11 pm
I no longer have words that describe how much I love you, HT. Although, I will add this to your list: have your Mommy pretend that you’re potty-trained, but continue to soil yourself. Worked for my kid…
Holly
09 Nov 2012 02:11 pm
Thanks for pointing this out! I read right over it before. Perfection
kpquepasa
09 Nov 2012 02:11 pm
Excellent notes. Good work HT.
Christine
09 Nov 2012 02:11 pm
Licking your finger and sticking it in a neighbors ear also works good..HT. You rock!
ferg447
09 Nov 2012 03:11 pm
Sorry HT but if you do these step you’re going to find yourself in a therapist office. Now that’s even worse than preschool. No toys or snack.
Di
09 Nov 2012 08:11 pm
not true!! LOTS of toys AND snacks in the therapist’s office! um… not that i know about that or anything.
Belinda
09 Nov 2012 03:11 pm
Somehow I always feel better after reading HT. My son actually cut his preschool teacher’s hair with safety scissors, as she leaned over the desk. Hey, she’d been talking all day about haircuts. But he neglected to chant “This will soon all be mine” so they let him stay.
(It was just a small lock of hair. And she was an amazingly good sport about it.)
beachmom321
09 Nov 2012 04:11 pm
Classic!! Two Words – get yourself kicked out. That’s freaking hysterical!! Love you HT
MommyK
09 Nov 2012 04:11 pm
So twisted!!! I love it!
Karen Larsen
09 Nov 2012 04:11 pm
HT, you make my day, today and every day! Two words – get yourself kicked out. Hahahaha!!!
billythetolkiennerd
09 Nov 2012 04:11 pm
Rosemary’s baby gets kicked out of preschool?
naah
09 Nov 2012 04:11 pm
LOL at craft labor. Why do people think kids want to make that crap?
But srsly most preschools have a rule about three biting incidents, so pick one kid a day and you’ll be gone by the weekend.
Or just make sure your parents know you really hate it, especially in winter when it’s time to sign up for next year. It takes longer, but my kiddo is now homeschooled! Set your sights high and you might be free from even kindergarten.
Carly
08 Jan 2013 02:01 pm
My 7 year old begs to do crafts
We subscribe to Kiwi Crate though so they have really cool ones.
Nora
09 Nov 2012 05:11 pm
It is the celebration voice that makes this art.
Kati
09 Nov 2012 07:11 pm
This is greatness. I can always count on you HT for a laugh! Two words: get yourself kicked out!
toddlerintraining
09 Nov 2012 10:11 pm
but if you stayed think of the expose` stories you could write. i hear they have goldfish and cheerios – is this true?
Kristina
09 Nov 2012 10:11 pm
when are you going to write a book! THIS STUFF IS INCREDIBLE!
Amanda
10 Nov 2012 12:11 am
Wait until the teachers are just drifting off to sleep during nap time. That’ll really get them! LOVE IT!
Anna ODay
10 Nov 2012 11:11 am
You never cease to make me laugh. This one is the best! Please write a book! I would SOOO buy it!! Keep ‘em coming! “Two words “get yourself kicked out” LMAO!
Things I Love Saturday | Holly Cromer
10 Nov 2012 12:11 pm
[...] Toddler: “How to Get Kicked Out of Preschool” Share this:Like this:LikeBe the first to like this. This entry was posted in Things I Love [...]
Donna Murphy
10 Nov 2012 06:11 pm
Best post ever!!! My 3 year old hates day care (what we call it here in the land of Oz) I thought he was quite a smart one but I doubt he could ever come up with such a genius escape plan. I too am waiting in desperation for a book. You make my daily hair losing drama’s with my own toddler seem like a tame tea party. Thank you, I think you make me love him more just for the comparison
crystal
11 Nov 2012 10:11 pm
y’all gotta help me here- is HT a girl or a boy? i always assumed boy, not sure why. just showed this site to someone and they said “shes so funny!” wtf.
Sabrina
12 Nov 2012 01:11 am
Boy. See Twitter pic
Lola
13 Mar 2013 04:03 pm
Girl.
uniqueweirdness
11 Nov 2012 11:11 pm
Good God is that hysterical….the bar has been raised.
Zaynie
12 Nov 2012 12:11 pm
‘PS. If for some reason you are subject to a surprise exorcism sorry.’ LOL! Love this.
Divya
12 Nov 2012 04:11 pm
Love this….
Unfit Parenting
13 Nov 2012 10:11 am
I wish I would have had the Honest Toddler Guide Book when I was in preschool. It would have shaved years off my therapy.
Toddler’s Mom
13 Nov 2012 12:11 pm
we need tips for the non-verbal toddler in pre-school!!
bdmj0926
13 Nov 2012 03:11 pm
HT I love you! “If for some reason you are subject to a surprise exorcism sorry.” LOL
Christina
13 Nov 2012 10:11 pm
If all else fails, do what I did: bust on up to that weird kid who’s wearing his winter coat inside the classroom and force him to take it off. I mean, really: how were you supposed to know he was wearing it as a shirt and there was nothing underneath but his skin? Worked like a charm for me. I lasted one whole day.
judyperry
19 Nov 2012 06:11 am
HT,INCREDIBLE THINKING!! you did really make sense. Hope you’ll write a book about this and waiting for this.
Dunn
23 Nov 2012 03:11 pm
I absolutely love Honest Toddler because it puts a unique spin on what real life is like for an actual toddler and his/her parent. You’re at your best when you dramatize something every parent can relate to. But this is not how a normal toddler would even be able to think to behave like. I’m sorry to give negative feedback!
LetMyPeopleBlog
27 Nov 2012 11:11 pm
Truly brilliant! Ciao!
MommyAgain
28 Nov 2012 05:11 pm
Don’t forget the little evil laugh at the end. Also rub your hands together while laughing. They will be sure to tell all their fellow educators at other centers! #winning
delanceystewart
11 Dec 2012 01:12 pm
Thank god my children can’t read yet… Bad HT, bad.
Alexis
21 Dec 2012 06:12 am
Be sure to tell the teachers that they cannot stop “them.” Then giggle. Nice way to conclude your productive day. Hope you get to be home, HT. By the way, Santa is coming soon! Which means presents are coming soon! Even if you’ve been a bit naughty, you are still on the “nice” list. I mean, look at your big sibling. They are probably super mean, but they still get presents.
carlyjt
05 Jan 2013 02:01 pm
Speaking as a teacher of 5 year olds, this is hilarious – having a child come up and do that would seriously mess me up!
kerilady
15 Jan 2013 01:01 pm
This was absolutely marvelous! It’s been a while since I read something so funny as this post!
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[...] Friday, November 9th, 2012 at 12:53 pm and is filed under General Advice, Honest Toddler. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own [...]
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27 Jan 2013 12:01 pm
[...] Friday, November 9th, 2012 at 12:53 pm and is filed under General Advice, Honest Toddler. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own [...]
Mommy Adventures
30 Jan 2013 03:01 pm
Hahahahahaha! This made me laugh, but kinda creeped me out at the same time (as I imagined the scenario unfolding)
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