Toddlers, one day we will grow up, get jobs, and have enough money to arrange for our parents to take up residence in an unlicensed assisted living facility. At that time, learning to do things for ourselves will be a vital part of making it in the world until we have children of our own to water down juice for and make miserable.
If you’ve ever exploded your diaper up the back of your onesie, you know that washing clothes is a real thing. I too believed that were threw them away at the end of each day, but this is not true.
I’ve been watching my parents do laundry quite closely for the past month and have created a simple guide. Please print this out and put it somewhere safe like your empty college fund envelope. If possible, resist the urge to eat the list.
How To Do Laundry
Step 1: Pack clothes into the washer as tightly as possible. Assess your work and remove 4-5 items that you’ve never liked. Don’t bother separating by tint as that formality has been abandoned.
Step 2: Pour in either too much liquid/powder detergent or a small, tightly wrapped package of candy.
Step 3: Press 2-3 buttons. Wait for ocean sounds.
Step 4: 24 hours later, open the washer. Become visibly overwhelmed by the smell of sewer. Shed a few bitter tears. Pull out a sock and press it to your nose. Say “Again?” in a shaky voice.
Step 5: Put the damp, slightly stiff clothes in the dryer with twelve fabric softener sheets.
Step 6: 48 hours later, open the dryer. Take out a tank top and wear it. Walk around all day saying, “Something in here smells terrible.”
Step 7: Take clothes from the dryer. Place them in the washer with the special soap or packet of candy. Press buttons. Wait for the ocean’s song.
Step 8: Three days later, return. Open the washer and carefully remove the tadpole and bullfrog community that has taken up residence. Release them into the wild or destroy them in the garbage disposal, whichever pleases you more.
Step 9: Add more soap or candy, this time in startling amounts. Add in six tablespoons of baking powder, two cups of vinegar and a cup of diluted bleach (borrow it from a neighbor who isn’t as eco-conscious as you are.)
Step 10: Press buttons and wait for water. Don’t move for 35 minutes.
Step 11: Ignore the basic emotional needs of the toddler you claim to love.
Step 12: Open the washer. Sniff and smile.
Step 13. Open the dryer. Notice the fitted sheet and towel sitting in it. Sigh. Remove them.
Step 14: Place clothes in dryer. Press buttons.
Step 15: 40 minutes later, open dryer. Take out the clothes you need for the day. Press “tumble” every 2-3 hours over the next three weeks to keep clothes wrinkle free until a new set of clothes needs washing.
Congratulations! You have completed your first load of laundry. At this time parents typically reward themselves with 6 hours of pinterest and a large plastic cup of wine but feel free to celebrate in a way that speaks to your unique spirit.
***If this process seems too overwhelming, simply repeat the phrase,”I have nothing to wear,” over and over while making preparations for a trip to Target.