This post is for Adults. If you spend half your paycheck on Omega 3s, keep reading.
Today’s post is by a guest: a real actual doctor with glasses just like the title says. This doctor is sitting right next to me wearing one of those long white dress shirts with two pockets. You can’t see the doctor because you’re not here but that doesn’t mean you should go around calling people liars. Anyway it takes one to know one so what does that say about you.
This flesh and blood non hologram doctor decided to visit my office that I have but didn’t mention before because it doesn’t matter (stop with the questions this is why very few people like you). 100% of parents believe that they are breathing encyclopedias with full knowledge. “This is a lie,” said the doctor, “You are so prideful.” Read the doctor’s post below to learn more about your gaps in wisdom. love, HT
The Fifth Trimester by a respected doctor with certificates
Hello parent! First, I’m not your friend. Cancel all future appointments and buy your toddler an iPad. Also, I tested your child’s blood levels and found that he/she (can’t remember) is dangerously low in caramel. You cannot trust anything I say but for the next few minutes, I’ve committed myself to the truth.
In a human pregnancy there are three trimesters. The first is when a fish egg is just doing its thing deep inside your blood. The second is when the fish egg turns on you and starts taking vitamins from your bones. The third is when the fish converts to people and pushes its way past your private parts to join the world. Now you have a baby. Hopefully this is your first and only one. Nobody needs two (or three or four stop being crazy). Many think that there is a fourth trimester and infants need special attention. Hold on to your almond milk- you’re gross- because I have news!
THERE IS A TRIMESTER NUMBER FIVE. NEW DISCOVERY.
You heard it right from me, a professional with awards. Just because your toddler is wicked talented at everything doesn’t mean she’s ready to walk a lot, sleep in a room by herself, or pick papers off of the floor even if she scattered them by accident. Confused about this proven logic?
Here are some examples of tasks that are too much for someone in their fifth trimester:
1. Talking: Saying “thank you” or “hello” to people can cause pain of the mouth.
2. Eating unassisted: Young gifted children in their fifth trimester need to be fed while sitting in your lap and leaning their head against your chest for moral support.
3. Being grateful: Ouch!
4. Alone time: Contrary to popular belief, there is never a wrong time to hold hands. Get into it.
5. Feet on the floor: In cultures where they care about children, they usually carry their young. It’s up to you to decide how you want to be remembered.
Much like fire, toddlers can be your joy or destroy your life/personal belongings. This has nothing to do with them but everything to do with your attitude. So many doctors agree with everything I’ve just said. All of them actually. You can go behind my back and ask them or for once in your life trust somebody. If you do ask and they say no, they’re just being sarcastic because it’s so obvious. They also respect you less so congrats on making that happen.
Because I went to a very expensive medical school to learn how to spread that long sheet of white paper for butts, this consultation is not free. You send me some vending machine snacks and we can call this even.
It’s me again! While you chatted with your adult friend I was here lying on the floor having quiet time. I can tell you feel ashamed of yourself due to what you’ve learned. Just remember, your toddler probably isn’t mad at you, just disappointed.