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This post is for Adults. If you spend half your paycheck on Omega 3s, keep reading.
Today’s post is by a guest: a real actual doctor with glasses just like the title says. This doctor is sitting right next to me wearing one of those long white dress shirts with two pockets. You can’t see the doctor because you’re not here but that doesn’t mean you should go around calling people liars. Anyway it takes one to know one so what does that say about you.
This flesh and blood non hologram doctor decided to visit my office that I have but didn’t mention before because it doesn’t matter (stop with the questions this is why very few people like you). 100% of parents believe that they are breathing encyclopedias with full knowledge. “This is a lie,” said the doctor, “You are so prideful.” Read the doctor’s post below to learn more about your gaps in wisdom. love, HT
The Fifth Trimester by a respected doctor with certificates
Hello parent! First, I’m not your friend. Cancel all future appointments and buy your toddler an iPad. Also, I tested your child’s blood levels and found that he/she (can’t remember) is dangerously low in caramel. You cannot trust anything I say but for the next few minutes, I’ve committed myself to the truth.
In a human pregnancy there are three trimesters. The first is when a fish egg is just doing its thing deep inside your blood. The second is when the fish egg turns on you and starts taking vitamins from your bones. The third is when the fish converts to people and pushes its way past your private parts to join the world. Now you have a baby. Hopefully this is your first and only one. Nobody needs two (or three or four stop being crazy). Many think that there is a fourth trimester and infants need special attention. Hold on to your almond milk- you’re gross- because I have news!
THERE IS A TRIMESTER NUMBER FIVE. NEW DISCOVERY.
You heard it right from me, a professional with awards. Just because your toddler is wicked talented at everything doesn’t mean she’s ready to walk a lot, sleep in a room by herself, or pick papers off of the floor even if she scattered them by accident. Confused about this proven logic?
Here are some examples of tasks that are too much for someone in their fifth trimester:
1. Talking: Saying “thank you” or “hello” to people can cause pain of the mouth.
2. Eating unassisted: Young gifted children in their fifth trimester need to be fed while sitting in your lap and leaning their head against your chest for moral support.
3. Being grateful: Ouch!
4. Alone time: Contrary to popular belief, there is never a wrong time to hold hands. Get into it.
5. Feet on the floor: In cultures where they care about children, they usually carry their young. It’s up to you to decide how you want to be remembered.
Much like fire, toddlers can be your joy or destroy your life/personal belongings. This has nothing to do with them but everything to do with your attitude. So many doctors agree with everything I’ve just said. All of them actually. You can go behind my back and ask them or for once in your life trust somebody. If you do ask and they say no, they’re just being sarcastic because it’s so obvious. They also respect you less so congrats on making that happen.
Because I went to a very expensive medical school to learn how to spread that long sheet of white paper for butts, this consultation is not free. You send me some vending machine snacks and we can call this even.
–It’s me again! While you chatted with your adult friend I was here lying on the floor having quiet time. I can tell you feel ashamed of yourself due to what you’ve learned. Just remember, your toddler probably isn’t mad at you, just disappointed.
21 Comment on “Guest Post: Real Actual Doctor”
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The Book is Here!
Delaine Zody
28 Jan 2013 07:01 pm
>>doesn’t mean she’s ready to walk a lot, sleep in a room by herself, or pick papers off of the floor even if they scattered them by accident.<<
Grandma is well aware of these things. That is why she carries you, sleeps with you, and does all the picking up after you when you visit. However, that makes Grandma very tired so needs a nap when you visit. don't get upset when she lies down and falls asleep immediately.
Kelly
28 Jan 2013 07:01 pm
My toddler already has an iPad, HT. I wanted mine back and the only way that was going to happen was to give him his own. Tell your parents: it worked. Well, except for when hesimultaneously runs Netflix on my iPhone while he plays Zoo Train on his iPad. (He hasn’t yet tried both iPads and my iPhone, but it’s coming. I’m sure.)
Charity
28 Jan 2013 09:01 pm
You have spoken with the WISEST Dr EVER! This Dr truly understand you & toddlers everywhere! Now if only parents would take these truths to heart. I definitely am!
Anna
28 Jan 2013 09:01 pm
Dear Real Doctor,
I am waiting for an iPad but my parents say I need to get a job first. Is this iPad withholding harmful, and will it result in bed wetting until adulthood?
Your friend (temporarily),
Sammy
Ann
28 Jan 2013 09:01 pm
HT, I am a mommy *and* a doctor, and your doctor friend is very wise. Well, except the iPad bit. I’m sure he meant to say book.
kpquepasa
28 Jan 2013 09:01 pm
Does caramel deficiency carry into adulthood? Because I could really go for some of that right about now.
Vicious V
28 Jan 2013 10:01 pm
^ I agree with Ann, hopefully they meant a BOOK.. I have had three carpal tunnel surgeries on both hands in the last 6 years, I do acupunture now to alleviate the pain. I truly believe all the cell phone, I Pad carrying li robots are going to be having thier surgeries way sooner than I I did, Mine was caused by overuse of my hands that came from sewing, hammmering rocks, beadwork, painting, constant creative endeavors involving both of my hands.As far as carrying your child, It is a bonding thing… a safety net for the picked up loved , guidance hungry and security seeking and lovingly held child. Trust me, thier feet the ground way sooner than you expect and you will yearn for those days when you can just HOLD your child and guide him to where he really should go, instead of allowing them to be let loose, and get lost in this big potentially nasty world run by lil hand held microchip, gamma ray laden overpriced answers for everything robotic machines.. Do you even realize how many books you can buy for thre priceof an I pad, or a $500- $1000 cell phone. The don’t fall into the toilet. get broken by dropping them and are always something you can find easily when you need them. Very rarely will anybody ‘steal your book’ either, although , perhaps they should borrow them for a bit. I cannot believe they are not even being taught ‘cursive writing’ skills!!! How are they gonna know what the elders are trying to say when sending letters and cards or even ewhen the are ‘gone’. what does all this ‘cursive’ stuff say? It is going to be very tough for them to be without their attached physically to thier bodies machines.I still hold my 33 year old baby grrl every chance I get, she can sit on my lap, I will carry her through ANYTHING… and she is a very strong self made Woman who is NOT embarrassed one bit about telling me she NEEDS her Mommy. I am proud of all my kids, because I always taught them to live out loud, commit art daily, never feel ‘ENTITLED’, PLAY outside, study & work hard…Buy those kids some great books in which relates to thier interests.. I am so happy when I see my kids and thier kids book collections,,, My husbnd has quite a library also,! YAY! TO BOOKS!!!! get a cheap cellphone, and just use it for emergencies or making quick plans as to ‘what cha doin?”‘ kinda stuff….I cannot Imagine what kind of illnesses are gonna be caused by all this ‘technology’ in about 15-20 years, Our 70′s and 80′s kids will not last as long as us 50′s born kids… so sad….
Jen
29 Jan 2013 11:01 am
Holy wall of text, Batman!
Susie
29 Jan 2013 03:01 pm
The Satire- Viscious V has lost it… Maybe it’s the caramel deficiency.
Shanni
08 Feb 2013 06:02 am
Hey, V, it’s not about you. No one is interested in how you treat your middle aged ‘baby’. HT is about actual children & humor. You need the site for ‘mixed up geezers that cannot spell properly’.
jlo
17 Feb 2013 06:02 pm
poignant, if not slightly (ok, completely) misplaced.
Amy
28 Jan 2013 11:01 pm
The previous commenter states that books “don’t fall into the toilet.” HT, wanna test that theory? If it’s true, I’ll buy you a puppy-shaped backpack full of caramel.
Liza
29 Jan 2013 11:01 am
HAHAH!!! Best comment yet!!
Florence
29 Jan 2013 11:01 am
My 2yr old tested it for you HT…he knew you must be busy. Books do in fact fall in the potty, and if you get your super favorite special book that you cry for every night, that can fall into your training potty right after you peed in it.
rootietoot
29 Jan 2013 08:01 am
I have caramel deficiency too. It’s painful but easy to cure.
Kimberly Barnes (@Mommy4Syd)
29 Jan 2013 08:01 am
Lol thank you HT, for my morning laugh. xoxox
Carter
29 Jan 2013 11:01 am
Oh No!!! Mr Real Doctor with a white coat and glasses… will a tablet be sufficient versus an ipad? My Mommy gave me her old hand-me-down tablet when she got a new ipad. Hers is so much fancier. Beginning to think I’m not loved. She only lets me use it for learning crap too, and only 15 minutes a day. Like I’m going to learn how to write my letters by only practicong for 15 minutes. Can this all be fixed with one of those puppy bookbags filled with caramel?? Or should I pack my bags, steal her ipad and hit the road? I love my old fashioned books, but my little brother keeps eating them. I suppose he will continue doing this with my homework when we get bigger since we don’t have a dog. Geez, that second child… who needs one.. not me! I told my Mommy to just return him and give me the money instead, why is he still here??
Please reply, I am very worried about this tablet hand-me-down lack of love. Until then I will throw tantrums, wake up the baby and demand strawberry in my milk. More cuties and fruit snacks might help so Mommy can clean up my diarrhea. Hey, I never asked to start potty training, serves her right.
Rachel
29 Jan 2013 11:01 am
“Much like fire, toddlers can be your joy or destroy your life/personal belongings.”
WHoo, lordy! This mama needs to go lie down – that one hit me with a whole lotta truth and I need some time to consider and internalize it!
Guest Post: Real Actual Doctor | Baby Settling
07 Feb 2013 06:02 am
[...] View the original article here [...]
Dee
19 Feb 2013 11:02 pm
“… there is never a wrong time to hold hands. Get in to it.” OMG! ROFL! That has got to be the cutest thing ever!! Once again, I’m dying whilst reading every word! Smarty pants!
Sarafina
18 May 2013 11:05 am
I must agree with viscious V. I don’t give a hoot if her spelling wasn’t perfect. She has plenty of points, because I’m seeing little children with iPads or tablets. I’m a 22, nearly 23 year old female. I’ve never had children, but I’ve worked around kids, both in the special needs, aka life skills, and in a regular daycare. And it scares the heck out of me how people treat their children. V is right. Your child does not need an expensive iPad. He or she needs a stack of books, or even better, books on cd. If I were a mommy, my child would grow up in a house with real, honest to god/dess music. None of this premaufactured junk. That may be music to you grown-ups, but it’s not music to children. Children need music with diverse sounds that will stimulate their ears, and their imaginations.Especially if your child has senesthesia, it’s vitally important that he or she be allowed to explore this avenue of expression.
BTW, the caramel deficiency got me good. I love these posts, and will continue to read faithfully. And yes, for any naysayers, I. Got. The. Humor, darnit! I just feel that parents/grandparents who point out the absurdity of giving a child a $500 device that you must spend more to childproof, need a reality check. Even if your child wants one, you give them a stack of books, keep an encyclopedia on cd in the house, and use those to teach. When they are older, they can get an Ipad. I’m a grown-up, and I have one, I also have a phone, both of which are useful for me, as I’m blind. So, in short, whatever your child wants, is not always what he or she needs. Sometimes, the oldest ways are the best. Or, I should say older. Paper books can fall into the potty. But a phone is way more expensive when it does. If something is going to get all dirty, either get it waterproofed before it’s ever allowed out of a safe zone, or get multiple copies of the same book, toy, etc.