That was his name. George. I don’t know anything else about him; how long he’d been with UPS, if he liked the brown shorts, none of those questions would ever be answered.
It’d been a nice enough morning but when the clock struck 12:30 I was in no way ready to go down for an afternoon nap. So I fought.
“NO SLEEP NO SLEEP NO SLEEP!” I screamed, my face a deep crimson as she struggled to pour and warm a sippy cup full of frothing milk while my limbs flailed in her arms. My eyes were swollen slits as I cried, “I NO TIRED!!” I could barely keep them open. Tears streamed down my face as mommy carried me down the hall toward my room. With each step I fought harder and harder. Screamed louder and louder.
My legs kicked with every ounce of strength they had in them. Part of me knew that sleep was inevitable but the cold facts changed nothing as I transformed into a whirling dervish of emotional diarrhea.
Looking down I noticed that I was wearing mismatched pajamas. It was as if a room full of gas connected with a spark. I exploded. My socks didn’t feel right. Every vein in my body swelled with adrenaline and the word, “NO” reverberated in the chambers of my heart.
Before I knew what as happening, I was in my bed. By this time my cry was reduced to a faint whine. The familiar waves of slumber lapped at my feet, beckoning me to be drawn out to their mysterious seas. My eyes fluttered open to see mother staring down at me, wiping the athlete’s sweat from my brow. With my last gust of strength I made a request, “Kiss.”Her soft lips puckered against my warm forehead. Although I felt uneasy about being parted from her, the weight of my eyelids overpowered my will and I floated into the abyss.
I awoke with a start not knowing where or who I was. All I could hear was the sound that resembled a hammer against our front door.
RAP RAP RAP. RAP RAP RAP. RAPRAPRAPRAP
Panic. My body went rigid as my still-sleeping mind rushed to process what imminent danger must be coming for me. Then mommy’s foosteps running lightly to the door. I heard it creak open and her say breathlessly, “Shhh, please. My baby is sleeping.”
As soon as her voice met my ears I burst into relieved tears. My flesh was exhausted but my mind was in a state of limbo. I needed her.
“Please sign here ma’am!” said the man in a booming outside voice.
My cries broke through the walls.
“Look. What. You. Did.” I heard her say in a tone I’d never heard before. It alarmed me.
“Ma’am, can you please sign here? I need to go.”
There was silence.
“Yes, just come inside. You’re letting a draft in. Stand right there. Next to the basement door.”
I heard the man’s heavy steps and prayed for him to run. Her voice was too calm. Too calm.
“I really must be on my wa-” and with that I heard him take a shocked gasp before the sound of his weighted body tumbled down our basement steps. After the final thud, there was nothing except the slow click of the door shutting.
I waited for something. Anything. I saw a shadow on my ceiling and there was mother’s beautiful face smiling down at me.
“Are you all done sleeping, honey?”
I nodded .”Up mama.”
She scooped me into her arms and before setting me down on the living room floor amongst miniature trains and cars, gave me a new toy to play with. A plastic name tag with the pin removed. Brown and white letters spelled out, “George.”
SAHMof3 from twitter
20 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
seriously, the diaper pail can hold a lot if it’s dissected properly
Vanessa (@IsleStyleLiving)
20 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
I can totally relate to your mommy.
George wasn’t a very smart man….
Great story!
Sue
20 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
I love it!
smittenbyyou
20 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
I think I shall print this out and hang it on my door while the children nap.
Sarah
20 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
I think that’s a brilliant idea!
simplymebeingme
22 Jun 2012 04:06 pm
LOL!
RoryBore
20 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
By George! I think he got it……
poor dumb George.
Tara
20 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
That. was. hilarious.
Hannah Hurley
20 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
Oh I can’t wait for these moments! Sure all the screaming is enough to be crimson myself, but the end of the story is so tender. Beautiful and funny
whencrazymeetsexhaustion
20 Jun 2012 04:06 pm
HT, I know you’re a young thing, but you’ve got mad writing skills
Michael Mock
20 Jun 2012 04:06 pm
I really must commend your mother for finding an elegant solution to a difficult problem…
Now I just need something that produces similar results over the phone.
Susan Smith
20 Jun 2012 04:06 pm
O. M. G.!!! HILARIOUS!!! I can honestly say I have wanted to punch those guys when they ring the doorbell during naptime!!! I swear they would do it even when I had a sign posted not to ring the doorbell and then run back to their truck and drive away with an evil laugh. We will get you and revenge will be sweet and pitiless!!! For we are the mommies of toddlers!!!! Oh and HT, stop training my toddler. Really, or there will be no more cookies or goldfish!
beth
20 Jun 2012 04:06 pm
I put a sign on my door that reads “Do Not Knock On Door. If You Wake The Baby, I Will Feed You To The Dog.” It works!! I’ve had a pizza delivery guy stand there and call instead of knocking. Even neighborhood kids asked if the dog would really eat them! (I also removed the door bell.)
Christine
20 Jun 2012 05:06 pm
Bastard got what he deserved. Good thing your mama is looking out for you.
Don’t speak of this again, HT. Never again.
thesinglecrunch
20 Jun 2012 05:06 pm
Tears in my eyes. Hilarious.
chroniclesofdomesticdisaster
20 Jun 2012 05:06 pm
Reblogged this on chroniclesofdomesticdisaster and commented:
Loving this as it reminds me of a certain set of somebodies I once had these dealings with – so glad that is all over and I am just left with the twin brother of devistation and mayhem!
momma of one HT and one HN (honest newborn) :)
20 Jun 2012 07:06 pm
o. m. g.
dying. with. laughter.
Jenny
20 Jun 2012 07:06 pm
Good for mommy!!!
iimpp
20 Jun 2012 10:06 pm
Mommy is AWESOME.
Alicia
20 Jun 2012 10:06 pm
You. are. brilliant!
jessi
21 Jun 2012 12:06 am
You had me at “emotional diarrhea”, I love to read your blog.
FoghornUnicorn
21 Jun 2012 01:06 am
Ah, George.
quinicz
21 Jun 2012 02:06 am
I feel that if they’re read & pondered daily – their ideals will soon become evident in our lives – and we’ll internalize them.
Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes
21 Jun 2012 09:06 am
Poor George…
Green City
21 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
Cities we are laughing!!! http://greensuncities.wordpress.com/
Erin O’Donnell
21 Jun 2012 03:06 pm
Oh Jesus, I have tears in my eyes from holding back the laughter. I lost it at “Her voice was too calm. Too calm.” I love every single one of your blog posts. You must be a professional writer, these are so glad. I’m so glad I found your stuff.
simplymebeingme
22 Jun 2012 04:06 pm
Oh George. Simple, simple George. Your Mama did what all of us Mama’s would have done, HT.
eleventhdayart
22 Jun 2012 05:06 pm
Reblogged this on eleventhdayart and commented:
Hilarious!
Julie
25 Jun 2012 06:06 pm
Lol! I love it! I have had serious deliberations about the garbage truck but am at a loss for how to create a roadblock in the cul-de-sac that can’t be tied to me. I DID however put up a note on my front door for the first year of my HT’s life that actually said PLEASE don’t ring the f***ing doorbell, thank you – sleeping babies mama (and yes it was spelled out. A number of my mom friends loved it, those who said nothing were just envious I did it.
Angela
27 Jun 2012 10:06 am
Dear HT
I think mommy did the same with our maintaince guy. Haven’t seen him around lately. And I’m not allowed near the balcony.
Weird.
Little Miss A
#16storiesup
Friday Tapas: The Leftovers Edition | What She Said
19 Jul 2012 08:07 pm
[...] insight on the little buggers from the perspective of their slightly older counterparts, and George, a tribute to poor, dumb George the UPS guy (may he rest in peace). Meanwhile, The Pause and 7 [...]
Andy UPS Guy
24 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
Too bad we don’t wear name tags at UPS….
Surviving the Storm – Walking on a Rainbow
21 Oct 2012 01:10 am
Hi! I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award! Congratulations!
http://jimmersgirl.wordpress.com/2012/10/21/its-official-im-a-dumbass-lovely-blog-award/