Awww your childhood is over. How sad. One way to make your life better is to help mine increase in happiness. Let’s play a game! To make this experience more enjoyable (for me), I’ve decided to generously put together a brief guideline, if you will. And you will.

Warm Up (Pregame)

Before we start our game, ask yourself, “Have we played this before?” If we have, we’re going to do it THE EXACT SAME WAY. I hope you remember the rules.

Attire: You can wear whatever allows you to move, run and jump comfortably. Be sure to have used the bathroom recently as there will be no breaks. Make sure you’ve eaten recently as there will be no breaks. Drink some water as there will be no breaks.

Cell Phone Policy: Do your online friends/enemies need your attention? These people you’ve never met or very rarely see…are they more important than the child you brought into this world? Unless you’re a *stock broker or 911, there is no reason to even glance down at your phone. God help you if you take a call.

* Even if you are a stock broker, ask someone else to break the stocks for the day.

Put your phone on silent and in a safe place like my hand.

Now you’re ready for some FUN FUN FUN! <– did you see what I did there?

Game On

Are your ready for some football! Monday night par-tay! LOL, we’re not playing football. Or traditional hide & seek. The game we’re playing is far more complicated but interestingly enough, less structured. There are strict regulations that can change at a moment’s notice so it’s vital that you pay attention and watch me for cues.

I might guide your face, hands, arms or legs during the game to let you know what to do. If we’re playing Human Slide on the bed (you’re the slide, I’m the happy child), you need to keep your legs straight while I make my way down. Since you have adult muscles, be strong and don’t complain. Nothing hurts.

If we’re playing Under the Blanket Tent, also on the bed, remember not to be greedy with the oxygen as I’m going to need some too. If you feel yourself getting hot, uncomfortable, or short of breath, slow your air intake. Ask yourself if you love me.

Disobedience: Was there an instruction that you didn’t understand because you weren’t listening properly? Please don’t use excuses like, “That’s impossible” or “What are you saying?”

Laughing: If you hear me giggle, congrats! You’re on the right track. Repeat whatever you just did until sunset.

Post Game

This is a trick. Game never ends. LOL.

Important Note: Like I said, you can wear whatever you want but I will be nude. Depending on my state of cleanliness at the time, you may notice some odors. Please don’t make a big deal. I’m a beautiful child. Also, there is a chance that during the game I may pee in excitement or fury. This is not a reason to end the game. That is what towels are for.