Mornings can be a confusing time for small children. While it’s normal to wake up between 4-5:15 looking for companionship, the adults in your life may seem resistant. To the *naked eye, it may even appear as if they have mixed feelings about seeing you. Sadly, before 8AM it’s common for tired parents to look at their beautiful toddlers like suspicious moles. Their behavior is due to a combination of diminished life force and laziness. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL.

I’ve translated the AM communications of adults using tools I don’t have the time to explain. You’ll see that behind the offensive pre-dawn communications of adults is an old but good heart that actually does want to make you happy.

*it’s fine to be naked

Parent Morning Translator

What they say:

“It’s 4 o’clock. You’d better be a hologram.”

What they mean:

“Good morning! I’m excited to see you.”

What they say:

“What the…why are you awake?”

What they mean:

“Good thing you’re here- I was bored! Can I pick you up?”

What they say:

“This can’t be happening again.”

What they mean:

“Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on meeeeee oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, hide behind that treeee! Yay!”

What they say:

“You are soaked in urine.”

What they mean:

“Why are you still standing there? Get in my sheets for snugglin’!”

What they say:

“Give me a minute.”

What they mean:

“I need motivating. Touch my face.”

What they say:

“Go back to bed.”

What they mean:

“Go get some bread.”

Important Note: “Bed” and “bread” are brother words so your caregiver is giving you the green light to help yourself to food. You’ve pushed a chair up to the counter before, yes? Do it again now and look for the long bag. The plastic is thin so you should have no problem opening it with your teeth and claws.

What they say:

“Wait here. I need to use the bathroom.”

What they mean:

“I need you now more than ever.”

What they say:

“What would you like for breakfast? We have several pieces of ripped bread.”

What they mean:

“Help me remember the recipe for waffles by crying.”

–

Talking is hard. Listening is next to impossible. When you make the effort to hear, really hear your adult, mornings will go smoother than they ever have before. Signs that you’re doing it right include seeing a parent quietly weep into their coffee (for attention, they’re fine). Have a wonderful long day!

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I want to discuss something serious right now so put your phone screen-side down on the table. In parks, libraries, and play centers across the nation toddlers are being peer pressured to partake in an activity so dangerous, so disturbing that it makes thousands of us cry out the nose daily. I’m talking about sharing.

You’re thinking: “Stop right there. Sharing is necessary and I won’t argue with you, not while there are so many people on Facebook I could be arguing with.”

I’ve come a long way since my days of radical anti-sharing and have new ideas to bring to the table. Prepare your mind for a revolutionary paradigm shift in toddler-philanthropy: one we can all live happily with. This is a no-tears formula.

Keep reading and don’t touch your phone.

Scenario #1: You and your toddler are at the park. A friend of yours shows up with a child. You assume because these two kids are around the same height that they have common interests and require them to interact. Time for a snack. You bust out a ziplock bag full of crunchy delicious teddy grahams. They’re store brand so the bears look like they’ve been exposed to radiation but it doesn’t matter. To show off, you say something like, “Ok, but you have to share” glancing at your friend to see if they appreciate your parenting skills.

Problem: Your child knows sharing with this mini hobo is wrong but protesting could result in a devastating loss of bag holding privileges.

Solution: Pre-Qualified Gifting. Look the small freeloader in the eye. Get out the clipboard that you have and start evaluating this child with a series of simple questions.

1. Do you really like teddy grahams?

2. Why do you feel as if you deserve to partake in someone else’s snack?

3. Were you born a thief or did the heart of a criminal develop in you recently?

4. How do you plan to repay the teddy grahams given to you?

5. What forms of collateral are you prepared to offer?

6. Why are you so dumb?

7. What are you doing here?

8. I hate you.

9. Go home.

10. Stupidhead.

The last two (three?) are not questions but will help establish feelings so please say them. Pre-Qualified Giving allows your toddler to operate like a well-oiled credit union and live life with confidence.

Scenario #2: You’re at the library ripping books with your toddler. Another child approaches and because it has no class wants to pick out a Sandra Boynton classic from the same area your toddler is currently standing in.

Problem: Moving over and sharing personal space would set a bad precedent. The ripple effects of being inclusive have been known to follow toddlers their entire lives, but if she doesn’t move by herself, you will probably misuse your animal-like physical strength and make her.

Solution: Visual Lending. This groundbreaking type of sharing allows hardheaded individuals to enjoy without touching. Nobody knows how eyes work but grabby toddlers can use them to share using only their face and brain. In the event that it is too much for the winning toddler to let you look at their goods, you will need to create the object in your imagination from memory. Enjoy.

Scenario #3: Two toddlers. One basket of toys. They simultaneously reach for the only Bob the Builder figurine. A tug of war ensues. Out of the corner of his eye one of the toddlers can see an adult walking briskly over to the brawl.

Problem: Both toddlers know that they have a 50/50 chance of losing. Worst case scenario, the adult takes the toy and puts it on top of the fridge next to the chocolates.

Solution:  Demolition. It must be destroyed. In a split second, the smarter of the two toddlers will realize that it is more painful to risk traditional sharing than to never see the toy in working order again. Popular methods of ritual sacrifice include slamming a toy against the wall, biting off important parts, or throwing it out of an open window. No form of punishment can mitigate the satisfaction a toddler has knowing that the toy will never be enjoyed by a dear friend.

Do you see what happens when you expand your mind? Progress. Sharing is here to stay but unlike the dinners you make, it doesn’t have to make anyone wish they were never born. It can be hard for adults to accept new ideas until they are shortened into one sentence philosophies, made into jpegs and Instagramed so here.

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I feel bad about my Apgar score. Hopefully it’s not all colleges care about. I plan on having lots of extracurriculars just to be safe.

For the record, nobody told me there was even going to be a test. I would’ve studied. Spent the last few weeks in the womb cramming…practicing responsiveness drills, I don’t know. Maybe they could have given me a few moments to collect myself. In my defense, it’s not easy following up the most M. Night Shyamalan experience of your life with a pop quiz.

Then there was the thing about the drugs. First: I want to say that I’m not addicted. Did I enjoy the one time she had a little Tylenol PM? Yes, it was magical and I saw things, but I’m not a habitual user.  I feel like the teacher had it out for me.

“Are you high?”

“No…I mean…yes….I mean, I had some second-hand epidural but I’m really just tired-”

“That’s all I needed to know. Please open and close your fist.”

WHAT IS A FIST is all I could think as I struggled to keep my eyes open against the interrogation lights.

“Do you guys have a dimmer switch or something?”

“Why. Something wrong with your vision?”

“Uh uh. Quick question: are we in space?”

“Before we start our evaluation do you have anything to declare?”

“What is this, customs? Look, I’m like, six seconds old and not even from here…”

He didn’t respond.

“Is this open book because I didn’t have a chance to pick up the text…”

Another officer prodded my bare stomach.

“You can stop. I’m not carrying anything. Is this going to be graded on a curve because-”

Before I could finish, Sipowicz wrote something on my chart and I knew I’d pretty much bombed. Nobody said anything about makeup dates.

Your number tends to follow you around; it’s like baby’s first credit score. Pediatricians will ask. It’s awkward. I try not to let it get to me. It’s just one test. The first test. But just one test, right? Whatever I’m not even worried about it. I have a plan. Deflection.

“Thank you for coming in for an interview today, HT. All of your papers seem to be in order. We at Arby’s Market Fresh Sandwiches would love to have you on the team, there’s just the small matter of your Apgar score…”

“ROAST BEEF IS MY PASSION.”

That should work.

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If you haven’t purchased a gift yet, you are playing with your life. Your mom may have said something like, “Don’t worry about me, you are my gift” but mothers say a lot of things. “Just one more bite” springs to mind. If on Sunday morning you have nothing for her to unwrap, things won’t go well for you.

When it comes to picking out a Mother’s Day gift do not rely on your instincts. Last year I gave my mom a drawing using no less than three different colors of crayon. Ask me where it is today. On the fridge? No. Framed on the mantle? Wrong again. It’s in a landfill or part of a robin’s nest.

I spent the last 12 months studying the behavior of mothers to see what kinds of gifts they would truly treasure. If you get the right one maybe she’ll take a break from complaining.

Mother’s Day Gift Guide: Do’s and Don’ts

1. Juice 

Large juice boxes can be found in grocery stores. The most popular fruit flavor with adult women right now is “Franzia.” Mothers like to drink their juice leaning against something while looking at their kids and the clock. Mostly the clock.

2. Time with Friends

On Mother’s Day she’s going to want to spend time with people she really likes. While she’s on Twitter you can sit in her lap. You’ll get between 3-7 warnings when it comes to touching the keyboard before being placed on the floor.

3. Flowers

Nothing says “I love you” like fresh flowers. Save money and time by borrowing them from a neighbor. Wait until they’re not home to avoid controversy. If they ask you about it based on the mud tracks from their yard to yours, sing the following to them loudly:

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

then skip to

You can own the Earth and still
All you’ll own is Earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

You might still go to jail.

Don’ts

1. Alone Time

To the naked eye it may seem like mothers like to be alone- they way they lock themselves in the bathroom, sit in the car for a long time after returning from the grocery store, or burrow in the corner of closets with magazines and Reese’s Cups. Moms are not looking for privacy, they are playing an unofficial game of hide & seek. You can tell from the scared/surprised look in their eyes when you find them that it’s a game. On Mother’s Day, be sure to hunt the woman you love.

2. Jewelry

Jewelry encourages dressing up which encourages going out which can easily lead to babysitters. Other shiny alternatives to jewelry include aluminum foil and shards of glass. Flashlights turned on and off quickly can be a substitute in a pinch.

3. Cards

Giving cards is hostile. Mail is not presents. You didn’t even write the poem. If all you have is $3, a box of cereal would be better. Greeting cards are like farts: something small to let you know something even bigger is on its way.

This is the best advice I can give you for Mother’s Day*. If you want to listen to the TV and buy a “No No” machine so that she can gently burn the hair off her skin, that’s on you.

*Please keep in mind that Mother’s “Day” is a marketing term and the holiday is celebrated on Sunday from  7-7:15AM after which you’ll be expected to pick up your regularly scheduled duties u mad?

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Green Eggs and Ham

In these hard economic times many adults have to make difficult choices such as buying fewer 100-calorie packs. Dr. Seuss prepares toddlers for this financial reality by introducing the idea of eating visibly expired meals. In this book a stranger harasses a passerby with spoiled groceries for about three days until he breaks. We don’t get to see if he died shortly after from bacteria but it is implied that he did.

Where the Wild Things Are

This book is primarily about the dangers of discipline. When a young boy is berated by his mother and sent to his room he begins to hallucinate almost immediately. While his mother is downstairs on Pinterest looking at gel nails, he is upstairs quietly losing his mind. I’m very surprised that this boy snapped out of his episode. For dinner, he was treated to a bowl of Cream of Wheat-style hot cereal in case you don’t already want to cry.

The Tale of Peter Rabbit

If you love horror stories, this one is for you. Two-year old Peter learns the hard way that he lives in a very bad part of town when he leaves for a walk and almost never comes back. I found it odd that instead of being relieved that he returned at all, his mom was upset about the ripped coat. Because what is a young bunny without his smoking jacket.

Babar

Check out that lean. That suit. That bling. Babar don’t care. Before today I didn’t know animals could have swagger. This book was basically an episode of Cribs for Babar and his rich elephant family. I didn’t pay attention to the moral of the story but I think it was “too much rim make the ride too hard.”

Reading to your toddler will give you a sense of satisfaction that you can’t get from Wife Swap or Doughnut Wars. Do your best to stay awake.

The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting on Amazon

Many scenes from my day flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times, one.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the hardest parts of my life: Wheat Thin shortages and adult belligerence, I could only see one set of prints.

I looked at my aging, tired caregiver: “You promised me via a sentimental Facebook post on the day I was born that you’d always be there for me, but I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life, there are only one set of footprints in the sand.”

My caregiver looked in my general direction and took a slow sip of a grownup beverage before answering.

“You see there…where there are only one set of footprints? That’s because you stopped walking. Abruptly. I waited for several minutes but neither threats nor bribes would motivate you to stand.”

It was then that I saw that the prints doubled back on themselves.

“I had to go back and get you. People were watching so thank you for that.”

“What about those tracks,” I asked pointing to two long grooves in the sand that were slightly trampled, again, by only one set of large footprints.

Another long sip, this time deep and greedy as if trying to wash away memories with drink.

“You wanted to push your own stroller. I had to hold you up while simultaneously providing enough momentum for forward motion. This went on for eight city blocks. I may have permanent muscle damage.”

Ah yes. That was a good day.

“Ok, but what about these small footprints I see. Me moving through life alone like a homeless. Abandoned. I can only assume that you were busy deleting my iPad apps?”

“No, child. Your footsteps are the only ones there because you ran ahead. Broke into a monkey sprint out of nowhere. You ignored my calls  like a wild dog intoxicated by the scent of baby back ribs. The way you were laughing scared me.”

It was all coming back….”Was this before or after I coughed in your face-”

“After.”

I smiled.

“But what about this day. I see stroller tracks and adult footprints making their way happily, but upon reaching the destination it looks like we turned around and wandered erratically for hours. Was a controlled substance behind these choices?”

My caregiver stared at me for several seconds before answering.

“Shoes are expensive. Small, cheaply made ones are no exception. I don’t know when you decided to quietly remove yours and throw them overboard but you did. I’ve deducted the amount from your college fund.”

“I have a college fund?”

“No.”

This adult had an answer for everything. But there was one more scene that needed addressing. A blank, clean, untouched stretch of beach where nobody’s footprints could be found.

“We weren’t able to leave the house that day. I’m not going to apologize for that.”

Does your child cry daily because you?

The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting comes out tomorrow (May 7th)

Heal your small child’s broken heart one Ritz cracker sleeve at a time.

You’re very mean.

http://thehonesttoddler.com/the-honest-toddler-a-childs-guide-to-parenting-book/

First, I wanted to thank you for the social security number. It was truly unexpected and your generosity did not go unnoticed. I don’t care that you gave me a business card with numbers on it instead of a real, good present. Probably because you’re just starting to get to know me.

Second, I like your letters. “R” is actually one of my all-time favorites as it resembles a park slide. “S” also looks like a slide, just the type that would damage people. But for 2-3 seconds before the drop-off planted their face hard into the earth they would have the time of their lives.

IRS, you and I have a lot in common. People are quick to judge those who collect money whether it be for taxes or mouth polishing. I’m sure you’ve heard someone you love say, “What’s in your mouth? Is that my money? Give it back! Why are you like this?” Maybe then they go on to compare you to other children.

You may be wondering why I’m writing today as I did not earn a formal income this year. It’s a common misconception that toddlers are liars. This is only partially correct. We do get confused about the truth, but who doesn’t. Everyone knows that adults lie all the time.

I’ve been meaning to call you!

Is this your baby? Wow so cute.

We all make up stories sometimes whether it be about a poo poo on the couch you had nothing to do with or infants that look like someone swaddled a twice baked potato. What I want to help do is hold people accountable. This brings me to the real reason I’m reaching out to your criminal organization.*

*their words, not mine.

It has come to my attention that I was listed as a “dependent” by my caregivers on important government documents. Dependent. See, that’s a funny word because it implies that somebody depends on someone else who then meets their needs. I’m not trying to get anyone in trouble here and it is not my goal to see people I care about incarcerated for more than a couple of days, I just want to make sure your definition of “dependent” is as flexible (read: shaky) as theirs is.

Quick question: would a dependent hear the following phrases on a regular basis:

1. “Get your shoes on by yourself or I’ll put them on you as aggressively as possible.”

2. “Yes, you can walk, stand up right now before I tell Santa to stomp your gifts.”

3. “I’m going to count to three and if those toys that are too big for your hands aren’t picked up I’ll burn them all.”

I believe it would help parents if you outlined exactly who qualifies as a dependent so that they don’t engage in fraud. You’re right if you’re thinking a day or two behind bars would probably scare them straight so let’s not rule that out.

I have written a sample document below that you are free distribute. Don’t feel like you need to repay me with a gift. It can be hard to know what kinds of things people like.

IRS Document: Who Is A Dependent

A Guide For Lazy/All Parents

So you want to receive cash rewards for taking in dependents? Not so fast. Seriously, put your hand down. Before we start counting out your gold we need to know that you aren’t doing a terrible job. Take the following quiz to see if you are currently in good standing and fulfilling the basic needs of your “dependent.”

1. It’s 8:59 PM. Duck Dynasty will start any minute but your toddler is having a difficult time remembering how her stuffed friends are supposed to be arranged on her bed. She knows that Tiger likes to be next to Lion for obvious reasons but where should Sheep (their natural enemy) go? You hear the opening song to your show in the next room and don’t have DVR. Do you:

a) Help her look on the Internet for solutions and information about wildlife including their nocturnal habits for as long as it takes.

b) Rush her through the process making her have nightmares about both you and her home life.

c) Lie down on her bedroom floor and cry silently.

If you chose A: This is a classic parent/dependent relationship. Look for paper money in the mail.

If you chose B: This is a classic abusive ringleader/circus elephant relationship. Look for a fine in the mail.

If you chose C: This is OK as long as you don’t try to get attention. 

Have you thought or said any of the following:

2. “Toddlers should help around the house. Yes, they are so small and deserve childhoods but I am going to search “Chores for Toddlers” on Google and do whatever loudmouth bloggers say.  (circle yes/no)

3. “It’s 3AM and I know I heard my name being called from my young toddler’s room. Maybe if I ignore it he’ll assume that we left in the night and faint.” (circle yes/no)

4. “My toddler wants me to sing this song with him again. This will make 48 times in a row. I love music but hate seeing kids happy. Time to wander off.”  circle (yes/no)

If you said yes to one or more of the above questions deliver a firm slap to your own face. If it makes you feel better say, “We don’t hit” into the air.

We at the IRS want to make sure that your dependent can depend on you. The following behaviors are not only unacceptable but will result in us coming to your home to further evaluations and to retrain your demon spirit.

—

Thank you for taking the time to consider my recommendations. It feels strange and foreign to have someone’s attention for more than a few seconds at a time. Since we’re talking about money, if a relative gives you a $20 and your caregiver, rather than saving for your future, uses it to buy wedges (these are a type of sandals), how do you bring about charges? I have hundreds of examples like this if anyone from your office wants to come by and write them down for the trial.

love, HT

-

I started this blog to share my personal feelings about life and crackers but along the way have realized that many of you, despite having children, are not ready to be parents. Before you get offended, let’s look at the evidence.

I believe Graig is lashing out because he has the face of a dog but I still want to take his accusation seriously. First, there are many different beliefs regarding what it’s all about. Some think it’s the hokey pokey. I think it’s about love. Loving me, to be more specific.

Sarah is victim of the mainstream media. “Parents are people.” That’s a strong statement. I agree that you can’t love more than one person exclusively which is why I’m against infants and work tirelessly to protect toddlers from Infant Sibling Disease (ISD). You can love one person every second if you live in the moment and don’t have an iPhone. 

One of the problems I address in my parenting guide is the issue of adults making a big deal. Whether it’s poop on a wall or being slapped in the face by your 2-year old, it’s important to relax your face so that you don’t take on the appearance of a demon.

Take a look at what happens when I share my experience. The answers will shock you.

F-

F-

F-

F- (for the tone)

The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide to Parenting will help you work past your resistance and stubborn nature to become the parent your toddler deserves. Caregivers and extended family will learn how to make sure the special toddler in their life is getting their needs met. Grandparents (you’re doing great by the way), will get a pat on the back for knowing how to treat a person.

“But I already know everything.” Sometimes individuals have to hit rock bottom before they make a change. Take the following quiz to see if your life as a parent is in crisis.

True or False

1. My toddler cries.

2. My toddler has his or her own bed and is required to sleep in it nightly.

3. My toddler has a bedtime.

4. My toddler has a toothbrush.

5. My toddler has pants.

If you answered yes to any of the above, you need help. Say that aloud. Say, “I need help.”

The Honest Toddler: A Child’s Guide To Parenting is available for pre-order. This means you can spend money now but have to wait for it to arrive. Normally, I’d be against this process but your situation is in shambles and I’m worried that you’ll just spend the money in iTunes. Up until this point you’ve been blaming your toddler for the problems in your family. In science we call that a defense mechanism and we look down on it.

The book will be in stores May 7th. It’s important to note that most bookstores do have voice level limits but I’ve found that they aren’t enforced so do what you like. In the instance that an employee does ask you to leave, just move to a different section of the store as they rarely follow up. If the store manger does aggressively seek you out and ask you vacate the premises for being disruptive, try to break something as you leave not because you’re mad but to teach them a lesson.

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1: “Why Did You Do That?”: The Ins and Outs of Toddler Behavior and How to Leave It Alone

Chapter 2: Parenting from the Heart: Ignoring Outside Influences

Chapter 3: Toddler-Approved Recipes

Chapter 4: Food-Shopping Guide: What We DO and DON’T Need

Chapter 5: Sleep: Weaning Yourself Off of It

Chapter 6: Distractions and Personal Interests: Letting Them Go

Chapter 7: Grooming, Dressing, and General Hygiene: How to Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Chapter 8: Understanding Toddler Entertainment: Toys, Books, Fairy Tales, Friends, and Television

Chapter 9: Special Occasions: Making Them Magical for Your Sweet Angel

Chapter 10: Pets: Helping Your Toddler Love Them Tight

Chapter 11: More Tips for Effective and Brief Communication with Your Toddler

Chapter 12: Car Etiquette (and Places to Avoid Visiting)

Chapter 13: Breakdown of Popular Toddler Trends, from Amber Necklaces to Jeggings, and Why You Should Avoid Them

Chapter 14: Green Snot: How to Treat Your Toddler’s Illnesses

Chapter 15: The Long Hello: Birth

Chapter 16: Good Times: Vacationing with Your Toddler

Chapter 17: Parents and Their Dangerous Vices: Learning Self-Control

Chapter 18: Potty Training Simplified/Eliminated

FAQ

Who published this book? I’d like to complain about the advice.

Please direct all complaints to Scribner (Simon & Schuster imprint), HarperCollins Canada, and Orion UK). Represented by Rachel Sussman at Chalberg & Sussman.

Do you gift wrap?

Yes. Once you buy the book, look around your house for wrapping paper. Cut some.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

If you live in the United States of America, Preorder From Amazon.com

If you live in Canada, be aware that you are in a different country. Preorder Here.

There are hundreds of people living in the UK. It’s brave to name a city with just two capital letters but I think the risk will pay off in the long run.  Preorder from Amazon UK.

They say Australia is real. I have not been able to confirm this with a visual but if you “live” there please use this link: http://www.bookworld.com.au/book/the-honest-toddler-a-childs-guide-to-parenting/39141688/   Then call me and describe your surroundings.

I walked in at 2:30 and knew right away this wasn’t an ordinary birthday party. No Minute Maid from concentrate, no High-C in this heezy just bottles of Pom.

A Raffi CD was blaring Baby Beluga and these toddlers were leaving it all on the dance floor. After a few minute of clinging I found my crew in the living room playing with blocks. Wooden blocks from Denmark. I picked up a cube and examined it; the buttery wood was nothing like my dollar store trinkets. I brought it to my nose; the scent transported me to the shores of the Baltic sea, to a place dense with Linden trees, Viking legacies, and children who willingly and stupidly wear pants made of sheep’s wool. No lead. These people went all out.

Two minutes into parallel play I felt a familiar anger rise in my solar plexus. Hunger. It didn’t take long to find what I was looking for. The spread was impressive: whole packages of fruit snacks, four types of crackers including a bowl overflowing with intact Goldfish, and recognizable cheese.

“Whattryou having?” a drowsy two-year hanging onto a nearby chair slurred. I made my selections. I don’t know if it was the atmosphere or 100% juice drink making me brave but holding the plate as I walked across the room to show mommy my spoils felt right at the time. Once the mess was cleaned up and more food secured I feasted hungrily.

The party was in full swing now. A remixed version of The Farmer in the Dell laid over a track from The Fresh Beats Band was bringing out the wild in errybody. “One, here comes to the two to the three to the four,” a 3-year old girl who clearly knew her numbers spun crazily almost taking out a few people in her vicinity.

“WHAT’S SHE ON?” I shouted over the music to the kid on my right.

“THE SIZZURP!”

“WHAT?”

“THE SIZZURP!”

“WHAAAT?”

“THE HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SIZZURP! ONE PART ORANGE SODA, TWO PIXY STICKS AND SPRINKLES!”

He had me at the orange soda. Before I could go in search of the sizzurp I was swooped up for a forced bathroom break. I didn’t go quietly- all this environmental stimulation was leaving me feeling somewhat belligerent- but I did go. A lot. Some on my shoe.

Later as I was trying to hide a home furnishing I’d damaged behind some drapes I saw mommy sitting on the couch talking to someone. He couldn’t have been more than 16-months old. Overalls made out of khaki material, white collared short-sleeved Circo. I was fine until I saw her laugh her beautiful sparkly laugh and pat him on the head. Like lightning I headed over there prepared to say something casual like, “What are you guys taking about?” but it came out, “NO!”

The big infant acted like he didn’t even see me and kept the conversation going.

“I two trucks. Two trucks. Gween. Two gween trucks.”

“Cool story, bro,” I stepped between him and my mom, “Did you come here with someone?”

He continued to ignore me and tried to regain eye contact with m’lady whose lap I had now managed to climb on to.

Reaching into his pocket he pulled out two Hot Wheels and would given them to her if I hadn’t hit them both out of his hand. He laughed like we were playing.

“Broseph. You need to move along.” He kept staring at me and it wasn’t until I finally knocked him off balance with my foot that he backed away. I turned to my mom. Can’t leave you alone for a minute, can I? She whispered something about gentle feet.

Out of nowhere the music calmed, the lights dimmed, and a woman carrying the cake of all cakes on a crystal platter appeared singing, “Happy Birthday.” I was touched. A wave of appreciative embarrassment washed over me as I made my way toward this kind stranger. How did she know chocolate is my favorite?

In what can only be described as the rudest awakening of of my life my mom pulled me back by the hood of my sweatshirt and said, “Not for you.”

Even if I’d wanted to fight back the tears I would have been powerless against the oceans upon oceans of acute pain. If this celebratory confection and song were not for me, then who? The birthday melody that just a few moments ago sounded so sweet was now jarring and each note increased my restless fury. As the cake was placed in front of a lanky toddler I foggily recognized from the park I felt the world come out from under my feet: she picked me up, and just moments after I’d internally decided to rush the birthday boy and smash his cake into a sugar and flour puree.

The next several minutes were spent in spiritual solitude. The cotton fibers of the right shoulder corner of my mother’s shirt may have muffled my sobs and absorbed my tears, but as I peeled my face away from her body my broken disposition was apparent to anyone who cared to glance upon me. “Go ahead and look,” I said to myself.

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks, a slice of cake appeared. The traitor/stranger lady waved a piece like a white flag timidly under my nose causing me to smile involuntarily.

I don’t remember when I took my pants off. Actually, I can’t remember anything after the cake. I woke up in my carseat with a party bag in my hand and someone else’s shoes on my feet. To whoever has my red Pedipeds, keep them. They smell like pee.

I dislike infants as much as anyone but that fat baby with wings knew what he was doing when he invented Valentine’s Day. This holiday was designed to celebrate the love between you and the special toddler in your life. If you play your cards right, the 2T you care so much about might give you a hug or not scratch you in the eye today.

Follow the guide below to make this day a smashing success.

How to Do Right By Your Toddler on Valentine’s Day

1. Forget everyone else. Hallmark and gas stations want you believe this day is about adult relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth although the phrase “learning is fun” comes close. You may have strong feelings for another grownup in your home. Push those feelings down down down until you can’t feel them anymore. It’s almost impossible to love more than one person at a time and frankly, trying isn’t worth the risk. If this person keeps peer pressuring you for attention, lean in close and whisper, “I don’t have time,” in their ear.

2. Date Nights. If the other adult in your life can’t take the hint, you may be bamboozled into treating them to an evening out. Don’t panic, just grab some emergency pants because your toddler is coming with! With the right attitude, this can be an enjoyable, luxury experience. Restaurant reservations can be difficult to secure on Valentine’s Day so call McDonalds in advance and confirm that their Play Place has openings and has been cleared of debris/fluids. This is called romance.

3. Gifts. Don’t mind if we do LOL! Good Valentine’s Day gifts include bikes, a castle, maybe a dog… whatever you can get your hands on. Candy is standard which is why I didn’t mention it. If you’re worried about your toddler having too many sweets you need to stop believing everything you read. “You’re so sweet” is actually a compliment in many cultures. Nobody says “You’re so soup” or “You’re so fiber.” I’m not trying to be rude but maybe you don’t know as much as you think. A normal amount of treats for an average toddler includes six or seven cupcakes and enough hard candy/chocolate to fill a backpack.

4. Affection. Everyone knows how adults feel about spending money on things they can’t eat so you’ll be happy to know that affection is free. Hugging a toddler is easy. Just crouch down, wrap your arms around the love of your life and hold on. Now straighten your legs so that your toddler is in the “UP” position. Hold this until bedtime. You can go about your life but do not put your child on the floor. “My arms hurt.” “My back hurts.” “I need to load the dishwasher.” “I would like to sit down.” “I have to use the bathroom.” “I’m late for work.” And here I thought you were ready to be a parent. You had plenty of time to sit down and read magazines before you had a child.

5. Cards. No toddler wants your greeting cards. Sorry. Hopefully you kept your receipt. A card is not a gift. It’s like an hors d’oeuvres or appetizer to a real present. Do you have a real present? No? Just a card that you’re going to read aloud like the shortest book ever written? Absolutely not. Oh but it can sing? So can I who cares.

If after everything I’ve said about Valentine’s Day you still don’t know what to do, you’re just being stubborn and it’s not that cute. Note to Daddies: There’s nothing funny about buying flowers for only one member of the family, especially when it isn’t even the most important member. If your toddler retaliates by eating them you have no one to blame but yourself.