Dear Juice CEO,

First, congrats on an excellent product. I’m doing a slow clap right now that is getting faster by the second. Now I’m standing up and clapping at an even quicker pace.

You somehow managed to take the best part of fruit, dress it up with some color, and make it available to children around the world. I didn’t lead with this fact but I’m an anthropologist which means I notice things. One of the scary trends I’ve picked up on is the SLANDER CAMPAIGN being led by parents afraid of your technology.

Do you know how the average toddler enjoys juice? A parent pours two tablespoons into a cup, walks over to the sink and lets a room temperature geyser rush in and destroy the flavor molecules. Then they hand this broken cocktail to their child and we’re supposed to accept it like a Golden Globe all grateful. It tastes like biting into an orange after brushing your teeth. It’s actually worse than plain water if you can believe that. Most toddlers just drink it out of anger.

I hope what I’m saying is making you furious. Unless you want to go out like milk and get replaced with rice beverage and soy drink you need to respond swiftly. The first thing I’d do is change the name. “Juice” is classic but like diarrhea or ringworm, the term has a stigma now. Below are my suggestions:

Liquid Happy

Orchard Water

Dancing Nectar

Nature’s Excretions

Use all of them if you want, I don’t care. Your company is in danger. It’s a status symbol these days for parents to tell other parents things like, “My toddler has never had juice.” It’s right up there with “We don’t have a TV” or “We eat paleo.” Juice CEO, unless you want to end up working in a corner liquor store selling Funyuns, spring into defensive action.

High fructose? I don’t judge. Maybe that fructose is going through something right now and needs to be high. Maybe it’s prescription. Better than bank robbery fructose, am I right? Put that on the box. Say “It’s better than bank robbery fructose.” And genetically modified- I don’t even know what that means but I have so many genes in my body and all of them want to be modified by a juice box right now.

Juice CEO, I don’t want water. I spent 9 months floating in that. I’m very familiar and know what it tastes like. There’s a reason it’s free and drops right out of the sky; it’s boring. I want to drink something that stains my face. When your juice leaves colors on my teeth it’s like it’s signing the yearbook of my mouth, you know?

Parents walk around like they’re trained detectives, “What’s in this juice? What are the ingredients?” Shut it down and tell them it’s a secret family recipe! “Is it 100% juice?” It’s 100% something! What do you think there are fractions in there? “But is it organic?” Yes, it’s from Earth, all organic materials no space rocks just stop! It’s funny, when it comes to adult beverages none of these questions seem to apply. It doesn’t matter that coffee literally looks like raptor poo, they drink it like they’re being chased. You could be an uncle, child, mother, or father- get between an adult and their coffee juice and they will cut you down. But juice that is made with or inspired by fruits is a problem.

Juice CEO, call your friends. Get Willy Wonka on the phone and tell him you need help. Send some red this way if you have extra as we are fresh out. I don’t have any cash on me but I know where to get a debit card and can put it in the mail for you. Just take what you need out of an ATM. If you get caught with it please don’t mention my name as things could get bad for me here. You understand.

love, HT