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Adults. This post is for you so please put down the cup you’re rinsing and try to focus. Since you’re the president of the world and need to check your cell phone screen often for updates on science, place your mobile device somewhere off limits like the park these days.
Even though the grocery store is bursting with options, one of the main toddler complaints I keep hearing has to do with broken food. Adults, you don’t look cute or smart when you hand your child broken anything. You come off as rude and disrespectful. Yesterday my mama handed me 1/3 of a granola bar and several lights went out in my head. I cried on and off for thirty minutes. Today is for healing. It is common knowledge that eating broken food leads to a rapid loss of life-force not to mention it tastes different/awful. The molecules in, say, a heart healthy chocolate chip cookie, are designed to be consumed in round form. When you serve it in a broken half moon the elementary particles hurt your toddler’s brain and feelings. Do you want that to happen or do you strive to be a loving person?
Maybe it will help to think about why you decided to become a parent. Most likely you were bored and looking for someone to serve. Now that you have the opportunity to make your life mean something, do your best. Wake up with a smile on your face and say this fourteen times, “Broken food is disgusting, when I serve it I look a little ugly.”
Those of you who operate cracker factories have the responsibility to innovate until proper packaging is developed that can preserve the integrity of each individual cracker. Half the product in those boxes has to be thrown out due to chipped edges and premature crumbification. Especially Ritz which are apparently made with air vapor and therefore cannot be enjoyed in a ziploc bag for long before converting into stovetop stuffing mix.
I find it very curious that bottles of wine are always stored impeccably. When it comes to beverages you adults seem to know just what to do.
Crackers aren’t the only foods that are prone to breakage. Pieces of fruit, bread, even rice can be too broken for consumption. Trying to manually put a crust corner back on a piece of toast or conceal brokenness in other poorly thought out ways is embarrassing for both parties.
Broken rice is called couscous in some circles and will devastate your family. Please go ahead and serve it if you don’t care about anyone but yourself. That’s fine.
You might be asking yourself, “What do I do with all of this broken food?” First, blame yourself. After that you have two simple choices. Either eat it in private or throw it away. Just because your toddler may or may not have eaten trash in the past doesn’t mean he or she is an actual trash can.
The next time your toddler expresses a bit of upset over being handed something broken, stifle your laughter, calm your tantrum and be professional. Customer service isn’t for everyone but maintain a teachable spirit and you should be fine.
67 Comment on “Broken”
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The Book is Here!
Liza
17 Sep 2012 12:09 pm
LOL @ “premature crumbification”….i spit out my Pepsi on that one.
Although, you probably don’t know what Pepsi is. Seems your mama is too mean to give you whole/uncut juice, I’m sure she hasn’t shared this delicacy with you.
Laurel
17 Sep 2012 12:09 pm
Dear HT,
My toddler enjoys taking whole, unbroken crackers/cookies/chips off of serving plates at parties, taking one bit, and returning them to the plate. He does this repeatedly, using a new, unbroken cracker/cookie/chip each time, until the serving plate is riddled with partially-eaten food items. Is this because once the cracker/cookie/chip has a single bite out of it, he considers it “broken”, and, therefore, inedible? Please help.
Sincerely,
Running Out of Party Food in NYC
Shehla
17 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
I think that’s the toddler way of teaching us what it feels like to be given “broken” food
Rabia
17 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
Everyone knows that the first bite tastes the best!
Annie
17 Sep 2012 12:09 pm
OMG! Stove Top Stuffing. Hilarious!!
ToddlerTeach
17 Sep 2012 12:09 pm
I feel absolutely horrible! I was guilty this morning of giving half a small muffin to a toddler. I deeply regret my actions and will surely strive to not let this happen again. Thank you, HT, for pointing out the error of my ways. Sincerely, ToddlerTeach
chasingphotography
17 Sep 2012 12:09 pm
Crumbification. Thats a new party platform!
Erin@MommyontheSpot
17 Sep 2012 12:09 pm
I think you need to add quinoa to the broken rice category since my kids think I am trying to poison them any time I try to feed it to them.
Annalisa
18 Sep 2012 11:09 am
For shame. Of course you are! It’s good for them.
LifeLivedWell
19 Sep 2012 10:09 am
Good thing my “toddler” is a German Shepherd! She loves the stuff with steamed broccoli and carrots in it. I will join the toddlers and not touch it with a 10 ft pole….ewwww!
smart aleck
17 Sep 2012 12:09 pm
As an adult I know that broken food has fewer calories….they fall out. Maybe your mommy is just trying to save you from childhood obesity. Or is used to breaking her own food. I apologize for her to you.
jessielou71605
17 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
Dear HT, do you think your mom is a short order cook? You want your cookies and crackers whole, but you scream if we don’t meticulously cut the crusts off your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You have no problem mutilating a piece of pizza by eating it crust first, then shredding through the toppings, but if I cut it into bite-size, perfectly equilateral triangles for your finger-pinching consumption, it suddenly becomes inedible because it’s “broken?” It seems you’d rather not have a whole piece of sliced turkey, but you prefer when I use my animal shaped cookie cutters to make you cow, pig, horse, and chicken shaped turkey to top your whole, unbroken Ritz crackers. And did you ever consider that the Ritz are only fit for breading chicken and topping casseroles because you snuck into the pantry and stole the package and threw it on the floor? So, my dear honest toddler, if you are hungry, I will give you food, be it broken or whole. You may choose to eat it or not. I don’t really care. I love you anyways!
string
17 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
i think you’re taking this blog a bit too seriously.
Laurie
17 Sep 2012 02:09 pm
^^^^^ agreed. Yes, we are thinking every word of that, but unless I want to go deaf before my 36th birthday from my toddler’s screaming, I just freakin’ roll with it.
TheHonestToddler
17 Sep 2012 02:09 pm
You sound just like someone I know.
jessielou71605
17 Sep 2012 05:09 pm
Oh, dear toddler, you amuse me:)
Deanna
18 Sep 2012 10:09 am
You may want to take a deep breath and walk away from the computer, Jessielou.
Varda Evenstar Mercurio Lobanov
01 Oct 2012 05:10 pm
This was almost funnier than the original post!
hlgbccheer
01 Nov 2012 08:11 am
Totally!!!
HonestDad
12 Oct 2012 12:10 am
The answer here is simple. You ask if a mom is a short order cook, the answer is an obvious, yes. And that is a beautiful important role to play. Who else knows how a toddler or a child wants thier food fixed? Moms are pretty awesome like that.
Kelster
17 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
There is just way too much awesomeness in this post. Dying over here. I will never serve a toddler broken food.
Trixie Marie Lovelace
17 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
Lesson learned. I will go and apologies right now to my kids.
TheHonestToddler
17 Sep 2012 02:09 pm
Thank you for being humble
Marissa
17 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
“Broken rice is called couscous in some circles and will devastate your family.” This killed me. Awesome!
JRV
17 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
Obviously your mother has been withholding Pringles from you. They are delicious and perfectly packaged to reduce breakage. They pair exceptionally well with red juice. You should throw a tantrum next time you are in the grocery store to remind her to buy them.
Deano Bambino
17 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
Premature crumbification………I think I just peed my self laughing so hard!
Angela Glaros
17 Sep 2012 02:09 pm
When my son was about 2 1/2, I left him on his own in the living room while I took the fastest shower I could. I came out to find a neat row of “two-bite” Brownies on the sofa, each with just one bite taken out of them.
Cheryll R
17 Sep 2012 02:09 pm
Hey! How did you know I was rinsing a cup and getting updates on Science?! All right, I get it. Also – have you ever noticed that “Whole Foods” is a really misleading name for a store? They have lots of insanely broken things in there. Don’t go. It’s a mind-blower.
B’s Mommy
19 Sep 2012 12:09 pm
ha ha ha! So true! Tons of broken cookies and crackers! Very misleading.
Erica J
17 Sep 2012 04:09 pm
This is hilarious because it is SO true. I just do not get it! I’m trying to help you eat your pancakes by cutting them into bite-sized piece!
jaclyn @ www.lilmsadventures.blogspot.com
17 Sep 2012 04:09 pm
Yes, what about fruit? Don’t you want us to cut it up for you so its easier to eat? Like apples and oranges? Pineapple?
Lauralei 16 months
17 Sep 2012 05:09 pm
Speaking of broken food, my grandma takes bites off of food, half of it is in her mouth already… And she wants me to eat the other half! I have taken a stand FROM MY HIGH CHAIR ! I absolutely won’t eat anymore until she starts eating the food I have so graciously already started chewing for her, I offer it and she just shakes her head! I think she is unappreciative of my efforts.
Alison
17 Sep 2012 06:09 pm
Good grief, you are f-ing hilarious. And I don’t even have children!
shelagh
17 Sep 2012 09:09 pm
I must admit, I had no idea about the couscous. Now I realize why my daughter refuses to eat it. I have learned something very important today!
pavithra
17 Sep 2012 09:09 pm
“first blame yourself”!
“a bit of upset” needs to be used right away.
Wallydraigle
18 Sep 2012 01:09 am
Honest Toddler. My mother refuses to comfort me over broken food. Her response is always something like, “Just bite it off, and then the broken part will be gone.” She does not give in to my sweetly screeched entreaties and just sits there, eating her own food like I’m not over here starving. Might as well hurl a lettuce at me and call it food. What do you recommend I do?
Annalisa
18 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
My daughter says:
“Bite it off, and then pretend to choke on it. Pull out the theatrics. After the “ordeal” is over, continue sobbing. The idea is to make her feel guilty about ignoring you”.
Annalisa
18 Sep 2012 11:09 am
HT,
what would you say about a toddler who insists her food be broken? I’ve given her whole entire cookies, only to be met by pleading eyes and ending up with having to break them for her. Shouldn’t that be her job? Or is this perfectly normal, and the idea is that the food should be presented unbroken for inspection, but it’s okay to break it after that?
Carrie
25 Sep 2012 03:09 pm
I was going to ask the same question! My toddler insists on food being broken into the appropriate pieces before he will deign to consume it.
Mike
18 Sep 2012 10:09 pm
brilliant.
Jay
19 Sep 2012 06:09 am
at the end of a really hard day, i sneak onto this site while hubby and baby are asleep and i laugh so hard that tears stream down my face. how are you so funny? and THANK YOU!
Honest Toddler: ‘Churros Are Breadsticks That Dare To Dream’ | Test
19 Sep 2012 11:09 am
[...] Honest Toddler has been thinking a lot about food lately. Last month, he shared four recipes that get his approval. “Both of you seem to be confused concerning what a ‘meal’ is,” he wrote to his mama and daddy. “Meals aren’t supposed to be punishment, they are supposed to be delicious. Do you understand?” Then, this week, he explained one of the biggest toddler concerns — broken food. [...]
Tiffany
19 Sep 2012 12:09 pm
“Broken food is disgusting, when I serve it I look a little ugly.” I just can’t. You are perfect.
B’s Mommy
19 Sep 2012 12:09 pm
I tried to serve broken strawberries last week….apparently that was a big problem. “no no no! with waving hands and screaming.” Strawberries must now all be whole. There was no warning on this. Yeserday sliced was just fine, now, not so much. Maybe I should call it a developmental milestone and be proud? I ate the broken food.
Olga
19 Sep 2012 01:09 pm
Oh my gosh, I am so beyond guilty of this! Didn’t even cross my mind before. Will be extra careful with presentation going forward -;)
Mandy
19 Sep 2012 02:09 pm
I always thought two pieces (even if broken) was better than one, but now I see that I am wrong.
And, I will put my phone down more often, HT. Thank you.
Jo
19 Sep 2012 10:09 pm
So lovely to read a hilarious post and for it to be followed by a number of more hilarious comments, with not a negative one in sight!! good on you HT, love it!!
PamelaT
19 Sep 2012 10:09 pm
Now I must ask myself: did I serve broken food today? Was that why my precious toddler cried &/or whined from the time he woke up from nap until he went down for bed? Did I serve him food that made lights go out in his head & made me look a little ugly? Thank you, HT, for assisting me with my introspection after a tough day… You are truly a genius!
Susanne@babyhuddle
20 Sep 2012 10:09 am
At last, an explanation. Thank you.
Jobird
20 Sep 2012 03:09 pm
Hi HT, I made the mistake of giving my toddler half of my banana. What was I thinking?!? After reading this helpful post, I now understand why she had the mother of all meltdowns. As always, thanks for the toddler insight.
Shan
21 Sep 2012 11:09 pm
What’s w/ Mama giving her ‘precious babe’ brown ‘nanas? I’ve seen other children w/ ‘unbrown’ nanas. These parents love their ‘darling angels’ more. Poo colored ‘nanas make me sad. However, I have found the ‘poo nanas’ are very good for my scalp. Next time , Mama will find the ‘poo nanas’ rubbed into Dog and I’ll feed him the rest. Can you say Canine Gastroenteritis?
J&C’s mom
22 Sep 2012 09:09 pm
You have to slice the cake HT. And the chicken…the chicken has to be “broken”.
Speaking of cake, I do have a serious question HT. Today is my son’s birthday. Next year, can I just give him and his older brother a glob of icing instead of cake that he is going to totally ignore?
Bwoken « Rocket Poo Baby Grins
27 Sep 2012 10:09 am
[...] Really, the genius at Honest Toddler said it best here. [...]
April
28 Sep 2012 02:09 pm
I. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
Daddy Dazed
11 Oct 2012 08:10 am
This is a great blog. It’s a very amusing and original approach to parenting blogging.
cherryclassic
26 Oct 2012 05:10 am
Very interesting and a different point of view!
amiabnormal
26 Oct 2012 02:10 pm
That just made my day.
hlgbccheer
01 Nov 2012 09:11 am
This might have been the funniest post (and comments) I’ve ever read… I literally had tears streaming down my face–the 2nd time I read it too!–as I read it out loud to DH and DS (5 years old) who was very much a “broken food is evil” toddler. It was all the funnier because today DD (17.5 months) entered into the realm of “broken food is so evil, I can’t believe you’re torturing me this way” during lunch.
hlgbccheer’s DD
01 Nov 2012 09:11 am
I don’t think this subject is funny at all, Mommy! You were just pure evil at lunch today. Pure. Evil.
HT, since you are older than me, you might know the truth: today my Daddy told me that broken food goes back together in my belly…is this true? I wasn’t sure so I didn’t eat said lunch (except the peas, I did eat those because they weren’t broken, of course).
Danielle
09 Nov 2012 11:11 pm
Oh my goodness, did I ever just laugh! Nailed it!
Kristi
28 Nov 2012 11:11 pm
my toddler wants all his food “happy”. as in, the broken ones are sad.
Devisma
18 Dec 2012 04:12 pm
Oh honey, didn’t you know that when mommy doesn’t see you or hear you especially when she’s reading, it’s because she left to go to the other time dimension where ugly broken cookies are de riguer? yeah, they are cool there. yum yum. remember when you wanted to be batman for H’ween and I sewed your costume except you looked more like Baffle Man? Yeah, I did that on purpose because in that other place, Baffle Man is their hero.. And when you got that dazed and confused look when you glanced at your costume in the mirror, I knew I nailed that costume! Even better, they don’t have the 6 second touch ground kiss it up to God rule there. See how lucky we are? I love dimension traveling!
ms mom
26 Jan 2013 10:01 am
This is something to laugh at right? It was sure entertaining to me thanks! This sure cant be serious everyone knows to not feed their toddler whole cookies unless its rare that they eat them, their bodies are immature they can’t get everything they want!
Before I continue let me finish laughing! Bahaha
Cassé | Baby Settling
08 Feb 2013 03:02 am
[...] View the original article here [...]
Agnes
08 Feb 2013 09:02 pm
This shit is hilarious!!!!
Lucy
24 Feb 2013 12:02 am
This slayed me. Peeling an orange for my daughter used to be a source of anxiety for me. I couldn’t do it without “breaking” the orange.
Going Backwards | The Maladroit Wife
13 Mar 2013 09:03 am
[...] The other inspiration is a book that I read recently (okay, I didn’t finish it… but I’m totally going to one of these days…) called 97 Orchard. It is the story of 5 families that lived, at different times, in a tenement in New York. Their living conditions were cramped and not-awesome, and they made the foods of their countries of origin. They preserved their foods with salt and smoke and by fermentation. They didn’t have any money, so they would do things like buy broken eggs. Broken! EGGS!!! Take THAT, Honest Toddler! [...]