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Animals are wonderful things. Do you have one in your home? You are very lucky. I had a cat but it decided to live somewhere else and jumped out the window. It seemed in a hurry. Cat and I had our differences but overall we were the best of friends and he loved me.
I also had fish but they both died. We could point fingers all day but the blame game will get us nowhere. The most important thing is that no one was hurt. Except the fish. They’re dead.
You may have heard your parents say that animals are not toys. This is not true. They are toys but toys who can die. Because I’m a giving person by nature, I want to share what I know to be true about creatures.
Cats
Things cats love: hugs, kisses on the nose, holding hands, sitting in boxes with you, being trapped and more hugs. If you’re chasing a cat, run fast and make a ruckus. Cats like to play hide and seek. Find them even if it takes all day. If a cat bites you with its hands or teeth, it cannot be trusted and needs discipline.
Cats are show-offs and will take every opportunity to rub it in your face that they are potty trained. Take no mind.
If you have a brush or comb, groom your cat. If you don’t, just use a lego or slice of bread.
Dogs
Dogs love kids. Stranger dogs exist. Don’t touch them because they might be wild and scream in your face or worse. If you have a dog in your home, good for you. Dogs, much like horses, love giving free rides. Check…does your dog have a tail? It will only grow if you pull it. Dogs love to share their water and food. Help yourself. In return, please share your food if you don’t like it.
Fish
Fish are quitters with weak spirits. They do not enjoy juice or hugs. If you feed a fish too much, dead.
Ants
These are the only pets that we intentionally kill. Stomp away. Do your worst. They’re spicy.
Snakes
Stop lying, you don’t have a snake.
Owls
Owls are evil and haunted. If you have one, kill it with fire.
One day I will write a book about animal care. Until then, use the above guide. The #1 thing to remember about animals is that they need love and to know who is boss. Enjoy!
39 Comment on “Animals”
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The Book is Here!
Lily
10 Aug 2012 02:08 pm
My kids must be friends of yours. They already know all of your tips about cats. Thanks for that.
David F. Ridenhour
10 Aug 2012 02:08 pm
Brilliant.
Kelly
10 Aug 2012 02:08 pm
I just get so happy when I see a new post of yours in my Reader…they always make me laugh. Favorite part of today’s: “The most important thing is that no one was hurt. Except the fish. They’re dead.” AND “Fish are quitters with weak spirits.” Ha!
Cari Donaldson (@CariDonaldson)
10 Aug 2012 02:08 pm
“Owls are evil and haunted. If you have one, kill it with fire.”
Kill it! Kill it with fire!!
Ashley Austrew
10 Aug 2012 02:08 pm
You are the funniest person on the internet. The end.
marydpierce
10 Aug 2012 02:08 pm
What about hamsters, HT? Do you think those plastic balls they run around in are fun, or cruel and unusual punishment foisted upon them by bad adults?
JPanda
10 Aug 2012 02:08 pm
ROFL hilarious post!!! *double thumbs up!
sassyNtubeless
10 Aug 2012 02:08 pm
HAHA grandma has a dog and it’s fun to feed her soggy cheerios and vegetables!
http://lilmsadventures@blogspot.com
Rebecca
10 Aug 2012 03:08 pm
Quitters wits weak spirits!! Stop lying you don’t have a snake! I get giddy much like my toddlers when I get a new email from HT. Thank you. Don’t stop. Please done ever stop.
Smug Toddler
10 Aug 2012 03:08 pm
I’m all about poking eyeballs out. The act like they mind but deep down they know they can’t get enough of it.
Also, don’t forget newborns and other small infant human babies.
Urban Mommy
10 Aug 2012 03:08 pm
Thank you, Honest Toddler. My life is enriched by this knowledge, particularly the knowledge about fish and food and death. I am very sorry for your loss.
Jan Moyer
10 Aug 2012 03:08 pm
“Stop lying, you don’t have a snake.” Fantastic.
Genevieve Petrillo
10 Aug 2012 03:08 pm
You are a very honest toddler, with much to teach us. Someday, I’ll tell you what I know about toddlers.
Love and licks,
Cupcake the Blogging Dog.
jessi
10 Aug 2012 03:08 pm
Brushing the cat with a piece of bread must be common toddle intel. My now 11 year old did that quite often. Why bread?
prettypout40
10 Aug 2012 04:08 pm
Lol! Yes you are right HT, owls are evil!! You’re too young to use fire so use lots of throwy stuff!
Tammy
10 Aug 2012 04:08 pm
Don’t forget – you can use your cat like a towel. Run wet and naked from the tub to the nearest cat. Rub the cat on yourself as best you can.
Dave Conlon
10 Aug 2012 04:08 pm
Man, PETA gonna go medieval on your little keister.
Dave
Emely
10 Aug 2012 09:08 pm
Thank you HT for always making me giggle like my munchie does daily!!
Janet Hathaway
10 Aug 2012 09:08 pm
Dave made me laugh as much as Honest Toddler. LOL
Susan
10 Aug 2012 11:08 pm
Dogs also like the following from their toddlers: being sat on/stepped on while lying in a sunbeam, having their eyes and teeth explored by little fingers, sudden lunging movements, being disciplined with toys, and having large toys thrown in their general direction. If they howl when you pull their leg backwards, they are just being dramatic. Disregard and keep pulling.
Finn
11 Aug 2012 12:08 am
In addition to the outstanding synopsis on things cats like, you simply must add the Pilllow Game. That is, the stalking of a cat until it finds a comfortable place to lie down, and then throwing oneself on top of the cat and nestling in for extra hugs. My cats love this so much that they get up and run to find a better spot for us to lie down together.
Alison Claybon
11 Aug 2012 12:08 am
“If you have a brush or comb, groom your cat. If you don’t, just use a lego or slice of bread.”
I about DIED laughing!
shovonc
11 Aug 2012 09:08 am
I’m sending an owl to your house, you nasty little child.
honesttoddler
11 Aug 2012 11:08 am
omg!
crpeterson
11 Aug 2012 10:08 am
Oh my word…dying laughing. This is awesome! I learned the hard way when I was a youngen that fish don’t like to drink juice. A tank full of apple juice sure kills ‘em quick!
maggiemoo414
12 Aug 2012 02:08 pm
HILARIOUS
The Woman « little liam christopher
12 Aug 2012 03:08 pm
[...] blog, The Honest Toddler. The posts are written from the perspective of the child. Some are hilarious; all seem pretty doggone accurate. This particular post brought on the waterworks for me as I can [...]
almostsinglemom
14 Aug 2012 06:08 pm
Darn- I knew my kids would start a blog…… at least I found it. )
Brad Hill
16 Aug 2012 10:08 am
“Fish are quitters with weak spirits.” Pure concentrated talent. This blog is a truly remarkable piece of work.
Another HT
22 Aug 2012 11:08 am
“Cats are show offs and will take every opportunity to rub it in your face that they are potty trained. Take no mind.”
Thank you for this helpful guide. My brother and I have been trying to get Mommy to bring home an animal toy. She said fish, but I know she is just being cheap. They are quitters and I not. I could go all day until I get what I want. And after reading this I want a dog. No contest! Watch out Mommy. You will give up before I do!
Sincerely,
Your littlest fan
Soumia
24 Aug 2012 01:08 pm
You little devil are not to be trusted with any animal! Unless it’s an owl. I’ll send you one to teach you a lesson!
josh
25 Aug 2012 10:08 pm
ants are not spicy. they taste dull and sickening. i have never even heard of something tasting dull.
Shannon S
26 Aug 2012 12:08 am
Oh my gosh, laughed so hard I cried. And wheezed. The cat “instructions” are the best. Thank you!
kathy
26 Aug 2012 05:08 pm
Ants are spicy and kill the owl with fire! You have been eavesdropping at our house, haven’t you?
shanny
03 Sep 2012 12:09 am
yep you forgot babies; they are the best biological toy around!
Alexis
15 Sep 2012 03:09 pm
We have four little dogs at my house. And they give kisses sloppier than a toddler and steal the attention. But the long red one who talks like “rahrawrrawrrawww” in a sad way, he tries to bite people who pick little ones up, cuz he’s the protector. He’s like a mommy but with less rules for you. If you throw food, he doesn’t get mad. He eats it for you!
Martha McGlynn
17 Sep 2012 03:09 pm
I, too, laughed out loud at grooming the cat, but I believe you forgot a pertinent part of those instructions: cats LOVE to be brushed HARD, because then they know you really want them clean (they can’t do it well themselves-everyone knows licking is for any unsanitary surface in sight!)!
PaddyCake Party
27 Sep 2012 04:09 pm
ants are spicy… oh my god, i laughed so hard i cried. please don’t stop writing.
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