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30 Jun 2012
Judgment Day
Toddlers, I told you this day would come. You’ve waited, alone and ignored, while your mothers spent hours on Pinterest* trying to convince the world that they too are capable of making cinnamon rolls from…
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30 Jun 2012
Dada
I know you’re used to playing second fiddle. Waiting in the shadows while mama and I do our special dance. Seeing my angry disappointment after I cry out in the dark for her only and…
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28 Jun 2012
We
Dear HT, Sometimes when I do something, my mom or dad lean in too close and say, “WE (insert alternate behavior).” What do they mean? -My Own Woman, 26 month-old, New Jersey Dear MOW, First…
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27 Jun 2012
The Pause
It’s 2Am. You’ve only been asleep for an hour as Pinterest, meaningless Facebook exchanges and reruns of The Big Bang Theory have seduced you since I fell asleep. Suddenly you’re jolted awake as you hear…
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23 Jun 2012
The Woman
I write today with a heavy heart. It has recently come to my attention that the woman and I are indeed, not the same person. She is one, and I am another. This news has…
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22 Jun 2012
Trailer: Shell Side Down, A Wonder Pets Story
In honor of Tuck’s 100th birthday today, I’m releasing the trailer for my upcoming film Shell Side Down, A Wonder Pets Story. Today he celebrated surrounded by friends & family. I still enjoy his earlier…
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21 Jun 2012
Instagram
Toddlers, do you know what Instagram is? When a daddy and mommy love each other very very much, or just happen to get careless over a bottle of Southern Comfort, babies are made. The mommy…
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21 Jun 2012
Schedule
4:45AM Wake up. Work on my memoirs. 5AM Alert the parental units. 5:01AM Notice that no one has come. Escalate. 5:01 30 seconds Parental whispering over whose job it is to fetch me turns into…
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20 Jun 2012
George
That was his name. George. I don’t know anything else about him; how long he’d been with UPS, if he liked the brown shorts, none of those questions would ever be answered. It’d been a…
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19 Jun 2012
Newborn
Dear squirming blob of flesh, hahaha just kidding! Dear newborn, Welcome to Earth! Look at you there. So helpless. Can’t do anything but breathe. Adorable. You came here with a mother, right? Great SO LEAVE…
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The Book is Here!
